Leftover Q&A

We interrupt this blog series on dating to bring you answers to the questions we couldn't answer before the bell rang in some of our classes last week! All our students have the opportunity to anonymously ask us anything they would like about chastity (and anything else relevant to what we've discussed). We had such a great batch of questions and we were crushed when the bell rang! SO here are our answers:

ALICIA, KELLY, & PREGNANCY CENTER EAST:
How long have you been teaching/working for PCE?
Alicia has been working at the Center since June 2009. Kelly began in September 2011.

How/why did you get involved in PCE?
Kelly: I have been passionate about chastity education since I was in high school. When I saw the opening for this job, I knew it was perfect, and I was right! Working in the pro-life movement was an added bonus to which I was really drawn and that remains to be the case.
Alicia: I took this job because my decision to practice chastity in high school really changed my life for the better, and I wanted to work in area that I knew would truly make a difference in lives :) I love it!

Are you a virgin? Do either of you practice chastity?
Yep. We are both virgins and we are right there with you in the trenches, doing our best to practice the virtue of chastity!

Have either of you broken chastity? Would/do you regret it?
Yes, we both have made mistakes we regret. Impurity always results in heartache (at the very least). More important than regret is repentance. In the Sacrament of Confession, we have both found healing, strength, hope, and love. We have each been empowered by grace to begin again, and what a blessing it is to live the virtue of chastity!

How old is the youngest girl to come to PCE and found out she was pregnant?
The youngest clients we have had at PCE were 12 years old.

BOYS & BOUNDARIES:
What do guys look for in girls?
A lot of boys, especially in adolescence, are focused on the physical. Rather than in building a lasting, healthy, balanced relationship that draws both people to God and makes them better, lots of guys are interested in what they can "get" from a girl. A lot of them grow out of that, which is a relief.
There are also great men out there who see women as God does. These men see each woman as a daughter of the King of kings and treat her as such.
It is impossible to be all things to all people, so my advice is this. Worry about what God wants you to become. Ask the Lord, "Help me become the woman you created me to be." The closer you are to becoming that woman, the easier it will be for the right man to find you!

What should we look for in guys?
If boys will be boys, then look for a real man! Here's some advice from a few of Kelly's guy friends:
A real man cherishes and respects the woman he loves.
Boys will say “I love you” to get girls to be physical with them. Some girls reinforce this by being physical in order to feel loved, but please don’t fall for it.
When a real man tells a girl “I love you,” he loves her for who she is as a Child of God, not for what she is on this earth.
If a boy gets a girl to be physical so he will say “I love you”, it’s a lie. “I love you” is not leverage.
For a real man, love isn’t a feeling or something he says; it is an action!
A real man would prove his love to you in what he does and how he does it. Only saying how he feels is not enough.
A boy will value a girl to the extent that he can see and experience her physically.
A real man will value going beyond physical features and value a girl for her personality, faith, and morals.

Do guys want someone who is more pure or who is experienced?
There are guys on both sides of that fence. Attempting to win them all over is setting yourself up for failure and disappointment. God has a perfect plan for you (cf. Jeremiah 29:11)! You are trusting him by pouring your energy into becoming the person he wants you to be. Let him figure out the rest! Live in the freedom that purity brings; don't fall prey to lust in the name of experience.

Where can we find chaste guys?
You deserve a man who has only one thing on his mind. No, not lust; doing God's will! The man who is capable of loving you properly is the man who is constantly seeking to love like Jesus. So what's the rush? A man like that is certainly worth the wait, and he deserves your patience. Learn to embrace singleness first. In the mean time, build the kingdom of God and enjoy being single! Loving yourself and others is a skill you will need regardless of your vocation and that is something you can learn right now. Get started on becoming a woman of God and let Mr. Right find you! Some ways to make yourself easier to find are dressing modestly, living and verbalizing your values, and spending time with peers who share your convictions. If you want to go where the good men are, I don't recommend looking for them in dark alleys, parties that feature alcohol/drugs, or detention. Try your local parish ;)

How do you know that you have the "right" guy?

There are several questions you should ask yourself:

1. Does this relationship make us both better people? Are we moving closer to heaven because of it or farther away? Remember that marriage is a vocation - your path to holiness.

2. Would this person be a good husband and father? Does he possess qualities that you hope your kids will have someday?

3. Do you both have a correct understanding of what a sacramental marriage is?

4. Is it love? Take the Love Test.

5. Pray about it! God wants the absolute best for you and will help guide you to your vocation and choice of a spouse.

Are you a virgin if you have oral sex?

"Technically" one loses his/her virginity when that person engages in sexual intercourse. However, keep in mind that purity is not just about the "technical" side of things - purity is in your mind and your heart - moving closer to God and authentic love and not of farther away from it. With that being said, sexual intercourse and oral sex outside of marriage are both serious sins.

If a guy wants to make out, should we assume he wants to have sex? Is it not practicing chastity when you kiss/make out with someone?
Making out can (and anything further does) prepare the body for sex. He may say that he doesn't want to go any further but, if he is aroused, his body is saying the opposite.
If making out causes one or both of you to become sexually aroused, then the boundary of "how far is too far" has already been crossed, purity has been compromised, and it's time to hit the brakes. Re-draw the physical boundaries of the relationship (take 2 steps back). If he has a problem with that, then his intentions are neither loving nor pure, and he can take that up with your dad.

Is getting fingered having sex?
"Getting fingered" is a type of masturbation and it is sexual activity, which means that outside of marriage, it is a violation of chastity, a mortal sin, and certainly not what is best for either person (ergo, it is not love).

My boyfriend thinks it's weird that I want to wait until marriage to have sex. He is not abstinent and wants to have sex before marriage. Is he the right guy for me?

See above for "Is this the right guy for me?" question.... I would ask yourself, "Is this authentic love?" Keep in mind that love is the action of doing what is best for someone else. And remember, marriage is your path to heaven! The issue of chastity is an incredibly important one to be "on the same page" with because chastity is a virtue and continues on in marriage - it has everything to do with loving rightly. Seek a man whose desire is to love you the way that Christ loved HIS bride - willing to sacrifice and lay down his life for you.

LIFE ISSUES:
How many girls, after hearing how the baby is treated during the abortion, actually choose abortion? I [Alicia] don't know the actual stats for this, but at PCE I am guessing about 70% or more will choose life.


How can we make a difference and help abortion not happen? What are some things that we could do if we recently became pro-life?

1. Pray! We see miracles truly happen at the Center all the time...your prayers make a difference!

2. Volunteer at pro-life pregnancy centers. Even the simple action of sorting baby clothes moves us forward in our mission to protect life.

3. Bring the pro-life message into your everyday life - conversations with friends, facebook, school clubs, etc.

4. Educate yourself. There are so many aspects of the pro-life message:

5. Being pro-life is not simply about stopping abortion; it's valuing all human life. You can make a huge difference by your witness to seeing the true value of each human person - just by being present to them, loving them through your actions, respect etc.


Are there times when having an abortion is okay?
The only case in which it is morally acceptable to abort a child is when the mother's life is in serious danger, such as in an ectopic (or tubal) pregnancy. An ectopic pregnancy, if not terminated, always results in the deaths of both the mother and her baby. In cases where the baby will survive, but the mother is in grave danger of death as a result of childbirth, the decision of whether or not to carry the child to term belongs to the family. In these cases, it is morally acceptable to terminate the pregnancy or, make the same choice that St. Gianna Beretta Molla, who sacrificed her own life for the sake of her child, did.

How many women die in childbirth these days?
This article shows the Maternal Mortality rate for the USA (16.7 of every 100,000) and many other countries.

How many types of STDs are there?
There are at least 25 different STDs (source).

Question Box Friday

Q: Why are priests called to practice chastity?

A: Think of it this way: a priest is called to be faithful to his spouse - the Church - the same way that a husband is called to be faithful to his wife and family. A priest takes care of his "family" the same way that a husband takes care of his, except the priest has a spiritual, and not physical, family.

We are children of God made in his image and likeness - we're all called to glorify God with our bodies, which is practicing chastity, but everyone has a specific vocation in which they do this. Priests glorify God by giving their entire selves - body and soul - to the Church.

Question Box Friday

Q: Will people think you're weird if you don't ever have sex in high school or college?

A: Hmmm...I think a lot of the time people make fun of virgins in public, but oftentimes I think there is also a certain envy that comes along with it. Someone who doesn't have high standards or morals oftentimes tries to bring others down with them to make himself/herself feel better and raise his/her self-esteem. But compare the consequences of practicing chastity and not practicing chastity. If being thought of as "weird" is the worst thing that has happened to you if are practicing chastity, then you're pretty well off. Compare that to the worst thing that can happen to you if you DON'T practice chastity. It's a challenge to to practice chastity at times, but because it's so hard, it really makes the gift of virginity just that much more special. Stay strong!

Question Box Friday

Q: Is it okay to have sex while you're engaged?

A: No, it's not. When two people have sex they're saying with their bodies exactly what they said at the altar: I give myself to you completely, without reservation, to be open to new life, until death do us part. Sex "says" these vows. Your body speaks a language - we can say things with our body language - and sex outside of marriage lies; it's saying something with your body that your relationship can't back up. You haven't made that vow yet. Furthermore, engagement is still a time of discernment. You haven't fully made that decision, and having sex can cloud that discernment process.

Question Box Friday

Q: Is it bad to flirt?

A: It’s not bad to let a person of the opposite sex know that you’re interested in him/her. However, if your attention is a teasing, toying way to get that person to pay attention to you simply for entertainment or an ego boost, then yes it’s bad. Always ask yourself – am I being sincere? What’s my motivation?

Question Box Friday

Q: Do married people practice Chastity?

A: Yes, all people in all vocational paths are called to practice Chastity. Chastity isn't just saying "no" to sex - that's abstinence. Instead, Chastity is about understanding what our sexuality is meant for, and our dignity as men and women, and how we can live that out in our state of life. Married people practice Chastity by being faithful to each other in marriage and being open to the gift of new life, understanding that the marital act says "I give myself to you, and only you, totally and completely without reservation for as long as we both shall live." Of course Chastity is also about truly loving your spouse, and looking out for his/her best interests, being careful to keep lust of out their relationship.

Question Box Friday

Q: How do I get out of a sexual relationship and heal from it when we've broken up?

A: Once you make that decision it's incredibly important to stop right where you are and stick with that decision to say no. It can very difficult not to go back and weaken your resolve, but sticking with your decision will make you a stronger person. Healing can also be very painful, but know that it can and will happen in time. Here are some suggestions to help you out:

• Focus on your relationships with your family and close friends. Oftentimes, a pre-marital sexual relationship with someone can cut you off from these important people in your life. If this has happened, take some time to rebuild those relationships.
• Develop your talents and focus on improving yourself. Challenge yourself. Think about what you truly want in life and the kind of person you would like to be. Make some goals for your life and make a plan to reach them.
• Reach out to others - the surest way to "find yourself" is to give of yourself. We were made to be a gift to others, and this is how we as humans are fulfilled. Find an organization or two that you are passionate about and see if you can help in any way.
• Go to Confession. This sacrament is an incredible blessing; the healing that it brings is unmatchable.
• Develop a relationship with Christ. Spend some time in adoration and learn to truly pray. Try the prayer book Pure Faith or Time for God. Priceless.
• Last of all, remember that healing can take a very long time. Learn to be patient, and do not get discouraged.

Question Box Friday: Real Love?

Q: How do you know if you really love someone?

A: First of all, ask yourself: what is love? Love = willing the good of another, or doing what's best for the person. You can know if you really love someone when you have the courage to do what is best for them, when you are completely emptied of your own self, and are thinking about the good of the other person. John Paul II calls this amor benevolentatiae in his book Love and Responsibility. It's being selfless, which is the opposite of being selfish. Scott, who works with us at Pregnancy Center East, says that he knew he truly loved his wife when he knew that he would sacrifice anything for her. He said that before he proposed to her, he wondered what if she was in an accident, disabled and in a wheelchair for the rest of her life? He knew he would sacrifice his entire life to take care of her. I love how Mother Teresa puts it: "For love to be real, it must cost. It must hurt. It must empty us of self.”

Question Box Friday: French kissing?

Q: Can I French kiss my boyfriend/girlfriend?

A: I wouldn't recommend it; French kissing can be serious sin. Why? First of all, it is a very intimate expression of affection. It's the kind of closeness that, for many people, prepares the body to go further and further - often to leading to sex itself. It's important to remember that Chastity isn't a "line"; it's a direction. It's a conscious movement towards purity of mind, heart, and body. I would first suggest examining your own reasons for wanting to French kiss your boyfriend/girlfriend - it is because you want personal gratification? Does this help your relationship glorify God? Is it loving? (Love = willing the good of another) Would French kissing cause him/her to fall towards lust or wanting to go further? Lastly, would I want my future husband/wife to be doing this with someone else?

Question Box Friday: Dating Age?

Q: When is a good age to start dating?

A: Each person is different, so I can't say that there is a specific age that you should start dating. I can, however, give you a few things to consider in making that decision. First of all, I would recommend talking to your parents about this. They know you very well and can give you give you a lot of good advice. They truly have your best interests at heart, so it's important to respect them in this decision.

Secondly, keep in mind that there is no rush to begin dating. Statistics showed that only nine percent of those who began dating at the age of twelve would still be virgins by the time they graduated high school, whereas eighty percent of those who waited until the age of sixteen to date remained virgins until they graduated (http://www.pureloveclub.com/). In other words, the earlier a person starts dating the more likely it is that he/she will become sexually active in high school. Also, keep in mind that the vast majority of dating relationships in high school don't lead to marriage, which means that your future husband/wife is most likely still out there - does this relationship lead you closer to finding him/her? How would he/she feel if he could see you in this relationship right now?

Joshua Harris once said that a person is ready to start dating when he/she can "match wisdom with romance." It's important to use your heart AND your head when deciding whether or not to date a certain person. It's also important to remember that when you begin dating you also begin building a foundation for your future marriage. Dating is meant to help you decide whether or not to marry a certain person; if you're still quite a few years away from being able to make that deicision and follow through with it, then I would suggest that you use your time now to build a strong foundation of friendship, rather than dating that person.

Question Box Friday: Sleeping in the Same Bed?

Q: My girlfriend and I have made the decision not to have sex until we are married. Is it okay if we sleep in the same bed (without having sex), though?

A: It is natural to want to be close to someone you love, and sleeping in the same bed, even without having sex, is very intimate. Lying so close together stirs up powerful desires and emotions within the person. You may have heard that sexual desire is like a fire; once it is lit, it’s can be difficult to control without proper boundaries. Lying together in bed is like lighting a match – it can be dangerous and difficult to keep the fire from igniting. Why take the risk? If you’re committed to saving sex for marriage, then sleeping in the same bed is not the best way to guard that commitment. Intimacy (and not just sex) is a wonderful thing, and it will be the greatest joy to share that with your wife. If this girl is the one that God has chosen for you, then you will have the joy of going to sleep and waking up next to her for the rest of your life! Until then, guard your heart and your body for her alone.

Question Box Friday on a Monday: What should you do if your boyfriend/girlfriend is getting carried away and about to go past your boundaries?

Tell them to stop. If he or she continues to push your boundaries, then I would encourage you to break up with that person. If he or she does not respect you and your boundaries, then why are they in a relationship with you? If someone really cares about you, then they will respect your beliefs.

Question Box Friday: Do condoms work?

There are 18.9 million new cases of sexually transmitted diseases each year and 9.1 million of those cases happen among people ages 15-24. There are around 800, 000 teen pregnancy each year. Why such high numbers? It is because we've given into this "safe" sex mentality. This mentality tells us that it is possible to "protect" ourselves from the consequences of sex such as an STD or a pregnancy by using a condom or getting on the birth control pill. However, condoms and birth control have failure rates. Just think about how much protection doctors wear when they know they could come in contact with their patient's bodily fluids. They are covered head to toe in protective gear. However, when talking to our teens or young adults about sex (an exchange of bodily fluids), they are often handed a small piece of thin latex and told "Just use this and you will be safe."

Here are some informative information to chew on from The Medical Institute for Sexual Health's (MISH) 2003 publication, Sex, Condoms and STDs: What We Now Know - "Safer Sex" isn't nearly safe enough.

What does "protection" mean?
The scientific meaning of the word "protect" can mean anything from "somewhat better than nothing" to "complete safety from a risk factor."

What is consistent (always) condom use?
It is usually defined as 100% condom use during all sexual acts indefinitely.

100% use of condoms for many years is so uncommon that it is almost a, "purely theoretical concept," except for very few, very meticulous individuals. Even among adults who knew their partner had HIV, only 56% used condoms every time.

What do condoms actually do?
Condoms DO NOT provide protection, they reduce the risk of infection

Condoms slip or break on average 1.6% to 3.6% of the time even when used 100% of the time.

The less experience someone has with condom use the greater the chance of condom failure, but most importantly, the more acts of sex someone has, there is more chance of experiencing condom slippage and breakage.

Which STDs do condoms "protect" a person from?
Human Papillomavirus (HPV and the #1 most common STD) and Trichomonas Vaginalis: NO clinical evidence of any risk reduction.

Syphilis: With 100% consistent condom use, there remains a 50%-71% risk of infection

Chlamydia and Gonorrhea: With 100% consistent condom use, there remains a 50% risk of infection

Herpes II: With 100% consistent condom use, there still remains a 60% risk of infection
(Herpes II often produces lesions outside the areas that are covered by condoms.)

HIV: With 100% condom use, there still remains a 15% risk of infection

For the approximately 20 other STDs, not enough data exists to say whether or not condoms offer any risk reduction from sexual transmission.

Among teenagers and young adults, when using a condom, there is still a 22.5% risk of becoming pregnant.

The birth control pill, when taken properly everyday, has a 2% failure rate of pregnancy, but provide no reduced risk of contracting a STD.

Condoms and the birth control pill were not invented to "protect" us from STDs or pregnancy. They were created so we can have sex whenever we want with whoever we want.

There was already a very healthy and natural way of preventing STDs and pregnancy. It's called abstinence and it is a great thing! Our sexual urges and feelings are healthy and good, but we are not a mere a collection of urges. We are human beings with the inherent dignity of being created with the ability to reason and will. We have the great privilege and capacity to control ourselves; our urges or feelings whether they be sexually or not. We have got to stop believing the lie that "If it feels good then do it," or "If it feels good then it must be good" or "They'll going to do it anyways." Sex is great, but we don't have to have sex in order to be happy in life. I look forward to my honeymoon night, but I am 24 years old and have not yet had sex and I am very happy and fulfilled.

A Belated Question Box Friday: "What if we love each other?"

I like how Professor Theophilus answers this question. Click here. I also like Jason Evert's answer that can be found on YouTube. Click here.

Question Box Friday: How far is too far?

Another popular question Thom and I get in the classrooms is "How far is too far?" Basically, the students are wanting to know what are the appropriate physical boundaries for a dating couple. I can remember wondering the same question when I was a teenager. Thom and I answer this question in two steps: first, concretely and then secondly, analogically.

First, we discuss a study that was done by scientist Desmond Morris who developed the Steps of Sexual Progression. There are 12 steps, we discuss the first 8 which are as follow: (1) Notice the other person, (2) Eye-contact, (3) Conversation. These first three steps are the foundation of a relationship, because it is in talking to another person that you get to know them; their likes, dislikes, hobbies, talents, interests, morals, values, etc. The next three steps are side-by-side physical contact that still allow for conversation to take place: (4) Holding Hands, (5) Hand-to-Shoulder, (6) Hand-to-waist. The next two steps are more intimate physical contact: (7) Simple Kiss, (8) Hand-to-Face (This is not a slap. This is a prolonged kiss in which one brings their hand to caress someone face. It is intimate kissing). We do not discuss steps 9-12 because these are steps that begin to prepare one's body for sex with the final step being sex. If we are saving sex for marriage then we ought save sex and all the steps that prepare the body for sex for marriage. It took eight steps to get to intimate kissing and only three steps are left until you reach sexual intercourse so after step eight things escalate quickly and it is good to set up boundaries at step eight or even before. Also, Morris discovered that if any of these steps are hurried along or skipped all together, the bond between the man and woman is weakened. We encourage the students to wait to date until they are much older, but once they do start dating we encourage them to take their time and really get to know one another.

Secondly, pretend it is a beautiful summer day and you are at Niagara Falls with your boyfriend or girlfriend having a picnic. You have never been there before and you want to get a closer look at the falls so you get up and go running over to the edge. How close can you get to the edge before you know that you have gone too far? You can only know when you have gone too far, once you have already fallen. Otherwise, you might think you can always go a little further and a little bit further because you have not fallen yet.

We say that the questions "How far is too far?" is the wrong question to be asking because in a sense we are really asking "How close can I get to hurting you without actually hurting you?" or "How close can I get to sinning before it is considered sinning?" Asking this kind of question is not really loving someone. Rather, if we really love someone, we should be asking, "How can I show my affection for this person?" or "How can I show how much I care for them?" and ultimately, "How close can I bring this person to Christ?" By saying "no" to sex and sexual activity before marriage, we show how much we love someone because we show we are willing to wait for them and that we have their best interest at heart.

When is a good time to start dating?

One of the biggest questions Thom and I get out at the schools is "When is a good time to start dating?" This is a great conversation to have with your parents. I would recommend later in life than earlier. Some people may be ready to date sooner than others. There is no magical age for dating. It really depends on your maturity level as well as the maturity level of the person you want to date. Healthy, long-lasting relationships take a lot of maturity, effort and responsibility. I want to encourage you not to rush into dating. Studies have shown that the sooner someone begins dating, the more likely they are to be sexually active before graduating high school. It's important to have friendships with people of the opposite sex instead of just dating them for popularity or because it looks good or because you want the self-esteem boost. It's important to really get to know someone and their values and morals before getting into a relationship. If your values and morals do not match up, the two of you are most likely not going to be very compatible and the relationship will most likely be an unhealthy one that can leave you with painful baggage. Take your time. There is no rush. Your worth is not defined by whether or not you have a boyfriend or girlfriend. Give yourself time to grow into the man or woman God is calling you to be. Give yourself time to discover who you are and what you want out of life, then you will be ready to know what kind of person you need and want and can build a future with. Until then enjoy the opposite sex in group dates or activities. You'll save yourself a lot of grief.

Question box Friday -- How do I live chastity?

Our students tend to agree that there are many reasons to save sexual activity for marriage, but when it comes to practically living out the virtue of chastity in day to day life, many are at a loss for what to do. Below are several ideas, some for relationships and some for individuals. Please comment with your own ideas.

1) Write down the reasons why you are committed to chastity. Read them occasionally and add to the list. Reminding yourself of your goals and why they are worth achieving can help you to stay strong when you are being tempted.

2) Have an accountability partner -- a friend to whom you can confide your individual or relational struggles and successes with chastity and who can challenge and encourage you to stay committed.

3) Choose good friends who share your morals and values. Our friends have an influence on us, and it's important to have friends who positively impact our lives and who set a good example.

4) Dress modestly. This one is for guys and girls. The way we dress sends a message about whether or not we respect ourselves and others. If we look like we want to be respected (which is totally possible to do, while still dressing attractively), then others will be more likely to grant us the respect we deserve.

5) Go to confession regularly. The sacrament of Reconciliation isn't only an opportunity for forgiveness; it also gives us the grace and strength we need to live God's plan in the future.

6) Make wise dating choices. Choose dates who you know won't compromise your beliefs and with whom you share values. Discuss early on or even before a relationship commences, your commitment to chastity. Group dates and public places can lessen temptation.

7) Pray to God for the grace of self-control.

8) Stay away from pornography and masturbation, which train people to think that sex is a selfish act and only about pleasure. Caving in doesn't lessen sexual temptation, it increases it.

9) Put a crucifix in your room. Whenever you are tempted, remember that Christ gave His life for love for you. He is your model for how to love -- sacrificing in order to seek what's best for another person.

10) Set strict boundaries. It's more difficult to say no to sex after participating in activities that prepare someone's body for sex. Set boundaries that prevent you from getting to that point.

11) Write letters to your future husband or wife, explaining why you are waiting for him/her, and to remind yourself that your sacrifices are for a real person who you can learn how to love before you even meet.

12) Read http://thenewviewonsex.blogspot.com and other blogs, books, websites, and articles that remind you of the benefits of chastity.

13) Say no to alcohol and drugs.

14) Remember the HALTS concept: Never make a big decision (example, Should I have sex?) when you are Hungry, Angry, Lonely, Tired or Sad.

15) Spend time learning the true meaning of love, chastity, marriage and sex, which is often completely different from what the media portray. Theology of the Body is one way to discover the depth of these topics.

16) If your boyfriend or girlfriend is pressuring you for sex, break up! If they can't respect you and your values, then they aren't looking out for what's best for you, and consequently they don't truly love you. You deserve better than to be used by another person.

17) Share your convictions with others. Explaining your commitment to chastity can help to solidify your beliefs.

18) Don't be caught in compromising situations. Make a decision now not to lay down with someone of the opposite sex, be alone at home with them or stay up too late with them.

19) Never forget that you are worth the benefits and freedom of chastity, and that you are capable of living a lifestyle of chastity.

20) You tell me what number 20 should be ...

Question box Friday -- Is it wrong for engaged people to have sex?

Even in the sixth grade, our students ask this question frequently. On the surface, it would seem that it would be okay for an engaged couple to engage in sex because they are obviously committed to each other. But the question is: Are they committed enough to express the true meaning of sex?

God created sex to have a meaning. In Pope John Paul II's theology of the body, he discusses the concept that our bodies "speak" a language that is meant to point us to God and our desire for union and communion with Him. Sex, then, is meant to express through the body what wedding vows express through words.

In a wedding, the priest asks if the couple has come freely and without reservation. Therefore, sex is meant to express love that is freely given.

During wedding vows, the couple promise "to be true to you in good times and in bad, in sickness and in health. I will love you and honor you all the days of my life." They also say, "I promise to be true to you … until death do us part." Therefore, sex is meant to express love that is total (holding nothing back) and faithful (committed until death).

During the wedding, the priest asks the couple, "Will you accept children lovingly from God and bring them up according to the law of Christ and His Church?" Therefore, sex is meant to express love that is fruitful (not referring to pears and oranges but to an openness to new life).

When a couple is engaged, they are planning to commit in this way, but they have not yet done so. I have several friends who were engaged but broke up before the wedding took place. Until the wedding vows have been spoken in front of God, each other, one's friends and family, then the couple is not capable of honestly or authentically expressing the true meaning of sex. So, the answer to this question would be, yes, it would be wrong (and not practicing chastity) for an engaged couple to have sex.

Question box Friday

Those who have been through the In Control program know that a highlight of the week is having anonymous questions answered from the "Question Box" on the last day of the program. We are going to attempt answering one question a week on the blog too.

This week's question, "Why do some people think that divorce is wrong?"

All of us probably know someone who has been in a divorce situation, so it is often a difficult topic to address. We look at it through the lens of personal (or that of a friend or family member) experience, which often clouds our perceptions.

In today's society, many people enter into marriage without fully understanding the commitment they are making. Wedding vows are meant to be two people promising that they will love the other freely (not coerced, but of their own free will), totally (completely, not witholding anything), faithfully (committed for a lifetime) and fruitfully (open to the possibility of new life). When two people don't truthfully promise these things at the time of the vows, then the marriage may be considerd invalid. In the Catholic Church, an annulment is granted to state that a true marriage never really occurred. This is different from a civil divorce which says that the marriage has ended.

If two people have given a total gift of themselves to the other, they cannot take that gift back. For something to be total, it must be irrevocable by its very nature.

Marriage is also meant to be a visible sign of God's love for us. God's love never ends. He is always faithful, always loves us totally, freely chooses to shower His love upon us, and He loves us fruitfully, by creating new life.

A married couple has a responsibility to fulfill their vows to each other, but also has a responsibility and honor to be a witness of God's love for us, in as an authentic way as possible, cooperating with God's grace to live out a sign of His love.

That being said, there are some extreme cases when it may be better for two married people to stop living together (in cases of sustained abuse, for example). If a divorce is pursued, it must be remembered, however, that this does not end the marriage in God and the Church's eyes. If the marriage was valid and true, it cannot end. A major problem with divorce is that it tricks people into believing that marriage is permanent only when you want it to be.