Work work work work work

Rihanna debuted the new music video for her hit song Work yesterday. Rihanna is an artist that works hard and has a natural talent in the music industry. I don’t want this to seem like I am downing her. I enjoy her music, but I have to acknowledge my thoughts.  I am disappointed by her music video for the lessons it sends out to the next generation.  Here are a few things I noticed:

1.      Sexy clothing

Rihanna is known for making a lot of ‘fashion forward’ statements at award shows and the like. A good amount of the outfits she wore showed way more than we anticipated seeing. This music video was no exception. The clothing was very sexy and revealing, to the point of being uncomfortable. Why did they have to have such revealing costumes?! Honestly, as I watched the first version and then the second version of the music video, I was looking away because I felt bad for just how much of Rihanna’s body she was sharing with the world. Maybe she didn’t have a choice, but this seems to me that she was not remembering her value as a person and just who was worthy of seeing her body. This is not all of us. I have been in that situation, where I was wearing very sexy clothing. The attention received is fleeting and usually results in men looking for a booty call from the girl as a reaction, even if this is not her goal. Not worth it.

2.      Dance moves

I mean come on, does every music video need to have them practically having sex on the dance floor through grinding and twerking? I lost count of how many shots in the video were just of their crotches thrusting together- taking away their humanity completely- to just focus on a collection of parts. It is dangerous to have this out in main stream media because people already think it is acceptable and perfectly ok to act as such when dancing. The video just perpetuates this lie. In case no one told you, there are other dance moves you can try that don’t involve compromising your dignity.

3.      Met me in the club

No one ever meets their prince charming in the club. One minute they are meeting, then the next they are rubbing IT all together, but they don’t really know each other. Very odd. Of course the video showed the crowd smoking and drinking, which obviously brings to the table its’ own issues. Are they of age? Are they drinking in excess. Not a good habit to get into. I can tell you, from experience, the hangover which comes around the next morning is the worst. I learned my limits to never drink that much again. They are not being very realistic about the consequences either. They do not show how people are so easily used sexually after a night out partying.

4.      The man’s role

Drake is a very talented artist, but I was not impressed by his role in this video (more specifically the second version). He sat on the couch while Rihanna danced for him/the camera. Remind you of the scene in a strip club? Ew. It seemed to feed into the stereotype that men should not need to work in a relationship, that they can just be lazy. Men should not be passive; the first time that happened was when Adam let Eve eat the apple. We don’t need to have repeats of that in every relationship. Men are called to be the providers and protectors of their girlfriend/fiancé/wife and family. I guarantee if you asked a Godly man, “Would be ok if his GF/fiancé/wife danced as such in a club?” He would say, “No thank you. That is a floozy. She is not wife material.”

5.      A women must be sexual to keep a man

Many types of media have this theme, but it is so far from the truth. In the video, as you listen to the lyrics, it makes clear that the women must put it all out there to catch/keep the man’s interest. Instead of trying to sexually ignite the man you are with; why not strive to ignite his heart. Seek to do what is best for each other, leading to true authentic love. Not seeking a one night stand.

Work might be a catchy song to work out to, but it falls very short of God’s plan for humanity.  

A Catholic Girl Walks into a Bar

A Catholic girl walks into a bar… Oh wait this is not a joke, it’s my life… Recently I walked into a bar and found the man of my dreams. Kidding, but he was pretty ‘McSteamy’ in essence. All evening we chatted and became familiar in a new friendship blossoming. I remember thinking how fun he was during our conversation considering we had a good bantering act in play, and how I would love to get to know him more. As the night was winding down, He invited me to sleep with him, which was flattering. I was tempted and thought about it for a second, but overall it was a buzz kill because I do take my faith seriously and fully embrace the Church teachings about sexuality so I declined the offer and went home alone.

Yet, I loved being desired by him- I just didn’t want him in the same way.

Teaching chastity has had funny affect on transforming my thoughts. Anytime a man is speaking to me, I am mentally doing a check (like a reflex) to see how Theology of the Body oriented our conversation is. The teachings have just weaved their way into my own thoughts and whole life. I do not enjoy being desired by a man when I can tell it is a very disordered desire towards their own selfish gain. Fortunately, it is very easy for me to spot these types of men so I can at least attempt to avoid temptation. I am not perfect, just experienced enough to know my weaknesses and not afraid to admit my screw ups.  

This would not be a blog of mine if I didn’t quote Saint Pope John Paul II at least once, he teaches the following about love in Theology of the Body:

Love as attraction: recognizing the good of another person; seeing the inner and outer beauty of another person.

Love as desire: wanting a good for yourself; desiring the goodness and happiness.

Love as goodwill: willing (or desiring) the good of another person.

These are all needed in a relationship but, ordered towards God.    

I’ve been reflecting on all of this constantly, as of late. To clarify, no, I was not just swimming around in my own fantasy of lustful thoughts about ‘McSteamy.’ But (as humbly as I can say this) a man’s interest is not foreign to me. Especially this year it seems to be raining men as potential suitors, from the guys who offer a one night stand to the gentlemen who are ready to be married tomorrow and treat me like a princess. If any of ‘said men’ are reading this, I do honestly thank you for your time and what I have learned from you.

 The world is starving for beauty, especially for ALL women to be confident in how authentically beautiful they are. I know my beauty and worth as a woman, and I am not afraid to allow the world to encounter the Lord through me, even if they don’t always see me as anything beyond physically attractive. One of the greatest powers a woman has is just simply ‘being’ and allowing others to take refuge in her. ‘Being’ woman is an art woman can spend our whole life unveiling and thereabout I have become enticing to men. But, I have been wondering why it is that I cannot muster up a hint of romantic affection in response to the men who have been pursuing me.

Something must be wrong with me.

On one fine Tuesday afternoon, I figured it out.

[Scene: in daily Mass. The readings have been proclaimed and all present are awaiting the reception of our Lord in the Eucharist.]

As I sit, or really kneel, in anticipation the tension is building in my heart. My prayer to the Lord bubbles up in my mind, “Beloved, I just want you. I long for you. I crave your intimacy in the restlessness of my soul.”  All of a sudden, in the depth of the sweet silence before receiving him, it made sense. I should want to be with and desire my earthly spouse in the same way, but not to same degree of intensity because even Scripture says only Christ will fulfill all our longings.

Desiring to be with my future spouse is a good thing. If I am not feeling it with a gentleman who asks to be mine, it is also a good and important thing to let him go. How nice would it be if I dated a man for a period of time, then after I tried it for awhile tell them I was never into the relationship but I just wanted to wait and see if my heart would come around? So as nicely as I can muster, I try to explain why the man should move along in life.

Waiting with full peace and joy in the arms of my Beloved, for the one he is preparing for me, is the greatest thing, ever. I am at a place in my life where I can recognize the vocational call to marriage, but I am not hurried to get there. I love my life, the way it is going, and the mystery in the adventure I have yet to explore! My heart is overflowing with a comforting, soothing love from and for the Lord. I am confident he is working on my own heart for the man I will marry. In that knowledge, as my gaze is locked on my Beloved, much of my heart does not want to be disturbed by a man trying to fit into it romantically.  

 

This does not mean I want to wait forever. I now understand the desire I should have towards a man in relation to my desire for the Eucharist. It makes me excited to anticipate that one day I will be so ‘over the moon’ about a man’s pursuit, which in a way will mirror my constant longing to receive the Lord in the Mass. Honestly, I have no idea how that love will take shape in my life, but that is what I enjoy most about this splendid adventure. I don’t have to worry or stay up all night wishing for prince charming to show up. God knows what is best for me, and I trust him with my heart. I am free to just be in the Lord and live in the truth of his glory each day, each hour, each moment. For he says this:

 “I want you to see in the flesh a picture of your relationship with me.

And to enjoy materially and concretely the everlasting union

Of beauty, perfection and love that I offer you with Myself.

Know that I love you utterly.

For I am God.

Believe it and be satisfied.” - From St Anthony of Padua

I am the Lord’s and he is mine. When the time is right I will meet, then later share a beautiful, crazy, sanctifying marriage with another… To bear the cutest little fruit in kiddos, of course. Till then, I continue to be with my Comforter in the breaking of the bread.

Who would have thought all of that could come from walking into a bar?

Heartbreak Warfare

“You are not the one.”

My boyfriend held me in his arms, looked deep into my eyes and said that to me. WHAT? This was the beginning of THE END for us. Unfortunately, we did not have a clean break up. It was filled with a lot of tears and the spiral of emotions that accompany a broken heart.  We intentionally wounded one another and ended all communication. We both ended up losing a friend.

We need help when the emotional aftermath of post break-up overtakes our lives. I want to share with you The Break-Up Guide, which was derived by my househould sisters. We have come up with some ways to help cope with the initial post break-up stage.  This consists of the 3 day period right after someone has broken your heart. This also applies if you are the one who has done the heart-breaking.

 (We will look at this from a female perspective.)

During these 3 days you are allowed to wallow in the pain from your broken heart, the dream of the life you envisioned getting ripped from you, and the storm cloud that continually looms above.

These days may include ugly tears, chocolate and junk food, remembering all the cutsie Facebook/Instagram photos, obsessively analyzing all of your old texts to see where exactly things went wrong, not showering for days because you don’t care enough to function, and avoiding the real world because you do not want to see your ex anytime soon (or ever again.)

On the 4^th post break-up day you must begin to get your life in order:

 a.       Shower.

 b.      Don’t stay in your pj’s all day- Get dressed in the morning, it will make you feel a little better. 
c.       Apply make-up, looking great will help you feel great.

d.      Stop posting melancholy Coldplay song lyrics onto social media. (We all know who you are talking about and that you are hurting from him.)

e.       Clean up your room/apartment because you know you have an overflow of tissues and crummy pizza boxes by the trash can.

f.        Don’t obsess and stalk him on social media.

g.       Go to class/work.

h.      Resume your normal favorite activities.

i.        Don’t resort to self- destructive behavior such as excess drinking, smoking, drugs, picking up men for a one-night stand, or self- harm. 

j.        Communicate with others who have been wondering why you dropped off the face of the earth.

k.      Delete your ex’s old texting conversations so that you no longer live in the past dream that is not going to come true. 

l.        Possibly delete your ex’s number entirely to help with him not being a part of your life anymore.

m.    Spend time in prayer surrendering your pain to God and allowing Him to comfort you.

n.      Remember who you are. You are an independent person who doesn’t need another person to know they are valued and worthy of true love.

Here are some additional thoughts to keep in mind during this time:

1.      Having good girlfriends to support you helps. Vent to the person(s) who you know well, love, and trust to just be a good listener. It is ok to be selfish with your time right now, as your heart is healing. Try to avoid spending time with people who might drain you and bring you down instead of building you up. At this time you are going through your whole relationship ‘play by play’ so you will repeat the story multiple times. Even if you don’t realize it now, you will ‘word vomit’ a lot and will most likely be very annoying, so pick your friend who will listen wisely.

2.     Recognize that everyone goes through this stage of the raw post break-up differently. Ever heard that song about how “the heart does not break even?” It is true.  So be patient if you know someone who is in this stage and simply be there for them.

3.      While the hard and fast rule is 3 days… you may adjust the number of wallowing days according to the length of the relationship. For example: 1 month dating you only require 1 day for wallowing. Or 2 years dating, it is ok to take a week or so to be consumed with the sadness. The important thing is to just give yourself a cut off day when you will get out of bed, dry your tears, and begin to move on with your life.

4.      Just because you have gone through this process does not mean you will never think of your ex again, but it is a good idea to get to a place of thanksgiving for what you have learned when he crosses your mind. This way you do not dwell on him, just move on in your thoughts. 

These are the things I have adopted in my life when it comes to break-ups; they have been very effective! It may seem difficult to put these suggestions into practice. However, sometimes when we don’t take extra steps for our hearts to heal in the aftermath of a break-up we could end up creating a larger wound. I know every break-up has its unique wounds, but trust the Lord to guide you in healing your heart fully in His time.

Happy healing!

Being Attractive Does Not Mean a Perfect Marriage

A popular hypothetical question people often pose is, "If you could change anything about yourself, what would it be?" The first answers tend to be along the lines of: "my weight, my muscles, my hair, my nose, my legs, my arms, my height..." I don't know if I've ever heard someone answer: "my sense of humor, my intelligence, be more caring, my ability to love, my ability to cook..." No, those are not the typical answers to this question. And why is that? I believe it's because we are bombarded by ads, movies, books, magazines and songs that make all kinds of proclamations: "I want that body, you should look like this, you should dress like this, your face should look like this, this is how to be happy, this is how you find your soul-mate."

What if I told you that your physical attractiveness is not what really matters in order for your marriage to succeed? Would you think I am crazy?

Every year, People Magazine decides who is the "Sexiest Man Alive" and GQ Magazine decides who is the "Babe of the Year." Well, who would ever break up with "the sexiest man alive" or the "babe of the year"? I am sad to say that they would break up with each other.
What has been looked at as "Hollywood's hottest couple," Ryan Reynolds and Scarlett Johansson, have decided to break off their marriage after 2 years. We look on as bystanders, fed with the image of the "perfect couple" and think "Why? This was the perfect marriage; they are both so attractive."

As Catholics we must recognize reality, and get out of the Hollywood mentality of "perfection is being rich and beautiful." We have to realize that looking "perfect" on the outside will not automatically lead to a perfect life, a perfect marriage, happiness and love. Physical appearances come and go. Your dedication to your spouse, rooted in the graces of a sacramental marriage, is the superglue that binds a couple together for life.

We must focus on growing and nourishing the personal gifts that we have been given by God and the Holy Spirit. I am not saying we should not keep our bodies healthy; it is important to exercise and take care of our physical body. We should not, however, lust and envy over those that the media tells us are "perfect, attractive, sexy." There is only one person we should long to be like... Jesus Christ. He has sent us His Holy Spirit to be with us always. So let us continue this Advent and into the New Year, to nourish the beauty and talent that we have been given.