A Catholic Girl Walks into a Bar

A Catholic girl walks into a bar… Oh wait this is not a joke, it’s my life… Recently I walked into a bar and found the man of my dreams. Kidding, but he was pretty ‘McSteamy’ in essence. All evening we chatted and became familiar in a new friendship blossoming. I remember thinking how fun he was during our conversation considering we had a good bantering act in play, and how I would love to get to know him more. As the night was winding down, He invited me to sleep with him, which was flattering. I was tempted and thought about it for a second, but overall it was a buzz kill because I do take my faith seriously and fully embrace the Church teachings about sexuality so I declined the offer and went home alone.

Yet, I loved being desired by him- I just didn’t want him in the same way.

Teaching chastity has had funny affect on transforming my thoughts. Anytime a man is speaking to me, I am mentally doing a check (like a reflex) to see how Theology of the Body oriented our conversation is. The teachings have just weaved their way into my own thoughts and whole life. I do not enjoy being desired by a man when I can tell it is a very disordered desire towards their own selfish gain. Fortunately, it is very easy for me to spot these types of men so I can at least attempt to avoid temptation. I am not perfect, just experienced enough to know my weaknesses and not afraid to admit my screw ups.  

This would not be a blog of mine if I didn’t quote Saint Pope John Paul II at least once, he teaches the following about love in Theology of the Body:

Love as attraction: recognizing the good of another person; seeing the inner and outer beauty of another person.

Love as desire: wanting a good for yourself; desiring the goodness and happiness.

Love as goodwill: willing (or desiring) the good of another person.

These are all needed in a relationship but, ordered towards God.    

I’ve been reflecting on all of this constantly, as of late. To clarify, no, I was not just swimming around in my own fantasy of lustful thoughts about ‘McSteamy.’ But (as humbly as I can say this) a man’s interest is not foreign to me. Especially this year it seems to be raining men as potential suitors, from the guys who offer a one night stand to the gentlemen who are ready to be married tomorrow and treat me like a princess. If any of ‘said men’ are reading this, I do honestly thank you for your time and what I have learned from you.

 The world is starving for beauty, especially for ALL women to be confident in how authentically beautiful they are. I know my beauty and worth as a woman, and I am not afraid to allow the world to encounter the Lord through me, even if they don’t always see me as anything beyond physically attractive. One of the greatest powers a woman has is just simply ‘being’ and allowing others to take refuge in her. ‘Being’ woman is an art woman can spend our whole life unveiling and thereabout I have become enticing to men. But, I have been wondering why it is that I cannot muster up a hint of romantic affection in response to the men who have been pursuing me.

Something must be wrong with me.

On one fine Tuesday afternoon, I figured it out.

[Scene: in daily Mass. The readings have been proclaimed and all present are awaiting the reception of our Lord in the Eucharist.]

As I sit, or really kneel, in anticipation the tension is building in my heart. My prayer to the Lord bubbles up in my mind, “Beloved, I just want you. I long for you. I crave your intimacy in the restlessness of my soul.”  All of a sudden, in the depth of the sweet silence before receiving him, it made sense. I should want to be with and desire my earthly spouse in the same way, but not to same degree of intensity because even Scripture says only Christ will fulfill all our longings.

Desiring to be with my future spouse is a good thing. If I am not feeling it with a gentleman who asks to be mine, it is also a good and important thing to let him go. How nice would it be if I dated a man for a period of time, then after I tried it for awhile tell them I was never into the relationship but I just wanted to wait and see if my heart would come around? So as nicely as I can muster, I try to explain why the man should move along in life.

Waiting with full peace and joy in the arms of my Beloved, for the one he is preparing for me, is the greatest thing, ever. I am at a place in my life where I can recognize the vocational call to marriage, but I am not hurried to get there. I love my life, the way it is going, and the mystery in the adventure I have yet to explore! My heart is overflowing with a comforting, soothing love from and for the Lord. I am confident he is working on my own heart for the man I will marry. In that knowledge, as my gaze is locked on my Beloved, much of my heart does not want to be disturbed by a man trying to fit into it romantically.  

 

This does not mean I want to wait forever. I now understand the desire I should have towards a man in relation to my desire for the Eucharist. It makes me excited to anticipate that one day I will be so ‘over the moon’ about a man’s pursuit, which in a way will mirror my constant longing to receive the Lord in the Mass. Honestly, I have no idea how that love will take shape in my life, but that is what I enjoy most about this splendid adventure. I don’t have to worry or stay up all night wishing for prince charming to show up. God knows what is best for me, and I trust him with my heart. I am free to just be in the Lord and live in the truth of his glory each day, each hour, each moment. For he says this:

 “I want you to see in the flesh a picture of your relationship with me.

And to enjoy materially and concretely the everlasting union

Of beauty, perfection and love that I offer you with Myself.

Know that I love you utterly.

For I am God.

Believe it and be satisfied.” - From St Anthony of Padua

I am the Lord’s and he is mine. When the time is right I will meet, then later share a beautiful, crazy, sanctifying marriage with another… To bear the cutest little fruit in kiddos, of course. Till then, I continue to be with my Comforter in the breaking of the bread.

Who would have thought all of that could come from walking into a bar?

Tinder .... The Mystery Ingredient

I am not married so this could be a train wreck. Here goes nothing…

Tinder.

Tenderloin.

Tenderize.

Tenderable

Tenderness.

Saint Pope John Paul II is one of my favorite homies! He has inspired me in more ways than one to understand more about sharing the truth, authentic love, chastity, and sex. How could that be the case? A celibate man, who was by all accounts of the world, out of touch with anything relating to marriage… False. He was a genius and had many insightful things to say about the way of intimacy.

I want to bring up a quality that I feel like often gets overlooked, or misunderstood, in terms of relationships: tenderness. Does anyone know how to specifically define that word?

The best I could come up with was the scene from Tangled of Rapunzel’s mom brushing out all of her flowing, long, golden locks. Meaning: tenderness is simply when someone is gentle with another person.That’s it. I, myself, did not even know how limiting that definition is.

Saint Pope John Paul II says, “Tenderness is found in the tendency to make one’s own feelings and mental states of another person.” So, in relationships that are based on love, it is an unsurprising adjustment to move from the self to focus on the other, feeling closely involved with the inner life of the beloved.

The action of tenderness naturally seeks outward expression. In marriage, your spouse essentially becomes a part of you so much that they are another “I” as you are united together in the bond. So you want to communicate this sense of closeness… “I feel the need to let the other “I” know that I take on his/her feelings and his/her state of mind to heart, to make this other human being feel that I am sharing it all, that I am feeling what they feel." Hence we persons show our affection by holding hands, a kiss, drawing someone into our arms etc.

 

Even with the lens of just how beautiful dating and marriage can be, the devil is at play trying to distort the way the world views both. We all can recognize the ways our culture has fallen into use of the other, even mutual use. I don’t need to go into specifics, yet we need to see the effects of expressing this tenderness too soon.  If tenderness is premature in a relationship, it can stop authentic love from growing.

Once I dated a man in which we thought we had a good friendship foundation, only to escalate quickly towards the physical expressions of tenderness. This actually hurt us more than anything because it became the center of the relationship. Our relationship fizzled out fast and today we no longer talk at all.  We created the illusion of love, a love which in reality does not exist. Our relationship crumbled by the roadblocks we ourselves put up. Often young people think the way I thought, that this physical expression of tenderness will lead to authentic love. It is a clever trap set.

If we are to grant a man or woman the ‘right to tenderness’ (to show or receive it) we must also demand a greater sense of responsibility. AKA marriage, not casual sex in or out of dating relationships. In truth, expressions of tenderness should always be accompanied by an even greater sense of responsibility for the other person.

Circling back around to marriage, tenderness should involve a participation in emotion and commitment to love. This is what brings the couple to feel the closeness of communication. Saint Pope John Paul II expands on his earlier definition of tenderness here saying, “It is the ability to feel with and for the other person.” It creates a feeling of not being alone, a feeling that his/her life is equally the content of another very dear person’s life. 

My stepdad and mom, Richie and Marge, are a great example of this in my life. For the most part, they do everything together, even grocery shopping is done as a team. It is so adorable I have to fight the urge to vomit. In the midst of the challenges and joys of their marriage, I can clearly see the tenderness they express towards one another. Sometimes things are tense, as with any marriage. I can tell when my mom is hurt by something, so too does Richie feel the pain. On the same token, when a joyous occasion burst forth in our lives they both act like IT. IS. THE. BEST. THING. EVER. They are always leading the family as a team. I think the tenderness they cultivate in authentically loving the other is wonderful glue.  

Curious how this show of love, through tenderness, specifically affects women?

Women not only expect this type of tenderness from their husbands, but they actually have a special right to it in marriage. Husbands must enter deeply into the emotional lives of their wives for 3 reasons:

1.      Honestly, a woman’s emotional level is deeper than a man’s so they simply have a greater need for tenderness. It is also helpful to note that men may never understand this need fully, similar to how women may not get why men ‘always think about sex.’ It is not that women need their man to fix everything magically, we know you aren't superman. We just would like you to listen.

2.      Woman naturally gives herself to man. In a sense, a woman feels the transition from single life to married life in an acute way. She might notice or feel the break from her family to enter married life in a deeper way, especially if she has a close-knit family. While there is excitement in a new life with her husband, she might feel the loss of leaving all she has ever known in her family’s way of life to create a new life with her man.

  3.      Women have to go through more in life. Ya know… the important, difficult stuff like pregnancy, childbirth, and possibly leaving a job. Some women feel very alone in these experiences so have a special need for tenderness from their husbands as they go through them.

Men have a unique challenge to be tender with their beloved. You are not doing marriage right if all you do is financially provide for your family, or fix up the house. Men are called to enter deeply into the emotional lives of their wives. You must begin to feel with and for her.

Don’t forget about the art of tenderness between the two of you.

                          As Jesus said, “Love one another as I have loved you.”    

New Website for JP2's Beatification!

There is now an official website for JP2's beatification....check it out: www.karol-wojtyla.org.

"Chastity is a difficult, long term matter; one must wait patiently for it to bear fruit, for the happiness of loving kindness which it must bring. But at the same time, chastity is the sure way to happiness."

- Pope John Paul II

"Deep within yourself, listen to your conscience which calls you to be pure . . . a home is not warmed by the fire of pleasure which burns quickly like a pile of withered grass. Passing encounters are only a caricature of love; they injure hearts and mock God's plan."

- Pope John Paul II

"[God] has assigned as a duty to every man the dignity of every woman."

- Pope John Paul II

"No Strings Attached" vs. Love and Responsibility

This week I watched the trailer for "No Strings Attached," which hits theaters on January 21st. The tag line pretty much describes the whole movie: "Can best friends be sex friends?" From what I could see from the trailer, it seems to be a perfect example of the "casual sex" and "friends with benefits" attitude that is so prevalent in our culture right now.

"Do you want to use each other at all hours of the day and night?"

"I'm okay with that."

"Good."

How did sex divorce itself from love and become nothing more than just an "activity" that you do, and how has friendship become nothing more than two separate individuals in it simply for what they can get out of it?

A few years back, my senior year in college, I signed up for a one-credit, weekend-long class over Valentine's Day. The topic was "Love and Responsibility," a book by Karol Wojtyla, the future John Paul II. Since then, I don't think that anything else has impacted my life as much as the ideas that are contained in this book, nor I have I found a better way to fight back against the culture of "meaningless sex."

First is an understanding of friendship. A "friends with benefits" culture holds that friendship is nothing more than getting enjoyment for yourself from someone, whether that be sex, money, a date to hang out with on a Friday night, or just the feeling of knowing someone is there for you. The focus is on yourself. John Paul II, on the other hand, says that friendship occurs when two people "recognize a good and adopt it...when this happens, a special bond is established between me and this other person: the bond of a common good and a common aim," and from this "We begin to discern love, to catch a preliminary glimpse of it....love is unthinkable between two people without some common good to bind them together." (LR p. 28) Friendship is the beginning of love, a love that does not seek to use each other for enjoyment, but a love that looks outward to something that is true, good, and beautiful to discover together.

The second is the idea of what authentic love really is. And although I doubt I have even begun to honestly understand John Paul II's thoughts on this subject, the little that I do amazes me. The first thing that strikes me is that love, while it involves feelings or emotions, is primarily in the will. Love is a decision, a commitment, and a choice - a choice to love someone because of who they are and the value that they have as a human person. Sex is an expression and outflow of that commitment and decision. Ultimately, love results in a giving of oneself, a receiving of the other, and finding one's existence in another person. And because love is a decision and a choice,

"Love in human relationships is not something ready-made" (LR. p. 29) or, as Alice von Hildebrand also writes, "Although love is a gift, it must also be learned."

Ultimately, "friends with benefits" or "casual sex" bring no satisfaction. We were made from Love for real love and won't be fulfilled until we live it:

"Man cannot live without love. He remains a being that incomprehensible for himself, his life is senseless, if love is not revealed to him, if he does not experience it and make it his own, if he does not participate intimately in it. " - Redemptor Hominis

Santo Subito!

John Paul II will be beatified on May 1st, the feast of Divine Mercy! Pope Benedict will celebrate the ceremony, which will take place in Rome and will most likely draw hundreds of thousands of people. The normal five-year waiting period was waived by the Pope and his beatification is the fastest on record, coming just over six years after his death.

I saw John Paul II for the first (and only) time when I was 15 years old at the 2002 World Youth Day in Canada, three years before he died. It was such a joy and privilege to see his interior strength and love, even though it was getting very difficult for him even to speak or hold his head up. It really made a deep impression on me, and he is a Pope that will forever be very close to my heart.

"It is the nature of human beings, and especially youth, to seek the Absolute, the meaning and fullness of life. Dear young people, do not be content with anything less than the highest ideals! Do not let yourselves be dispirited by those who are disillusioned with life and have grown deaf to the deepest and most authentic desires of their heart..." - Pope John Paul II

Pope John Paul II to be Beatified in 2011?

".. It is Jesus in fact that you seek when you dream of happiness, he is waiting for you when nothing else you find satisfies you; he is the beauty to which you are so attracted; it is he who provokes you with that thirst for fulness that will not let you settle for compromise; it is he who urges you to shed the masks of a false life; it is he who reads in your hearts your most genuine choices, the choices that others try to stifle. It is Jesus who stirs in you the desire to do something great with your lives, the will to follow an ideal, the refusal to allow yourselves to be grounded down by mediocrity, the courage to commit yourselves humbly and patiently to improving yourselves and society, making the world more human and more fraternal." - Pope John Paul II

The spiritual fatherhood of John Paul II

As Father's Day approaches, it is appropriate to look at one man's incredible ability to reflect the meaning of fatherhood to the world. When Pope John Paul II died, many remarked that they felt that their own father or grandfather had passed away. Millions of people mourned his death with tears, and yet most of them had never met him, never hugged him, never had a private meeting with him.

George Weigel recently addressed a group of men on a pilgrimage in Poland with remarks concerning Pope John Paul II's spiritual fatherhood:
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During the many years this son of Poland walked the world's stage, he became a spiritual father to tens of millions, perhaps hundreds of millions, of people. He became a father in a world looking for fatherhood, and often failing to find it. He became a spiritual father to men and women who do not share our Christian faith, as he had been a father to his archdiocese of Cracow during his years as its bishop. How did he do this? How does it happen that so many millions of people, in very different situations, come to experience one man as a father? And what does that tell us about our own responsibilities and opportunities as fathers?
Perhaps the answer will begin to come into focus if I tell you a bit about my experience in writing the biography of John Paul II.

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Be sure to read the whole article here.