Work work work work work

Rihanna debuted the new music video for her hit song Work yesterday. Rihanna is an artist that works hard and has a natural talent in the music industry. I don’t want this to seem like I am downing her. I enjoy her music, but I have to acknowledge my thoughts.  I am disappointed by her music video for the lessons it sends out to the next generation.  Here are a few things I noticed:

1.      Sexy clothing

Rihanna is known for making a lot of ‘fashion forward’ statements at award shows and the like. A good amount of the outfits she wore showed way more than we anticipated seeing. This music video was no exception. The clothing was very sexy and revealing, to the point of being uncomfortable. Why did they have to have such revealing costumes?! Honestly, as I watched the first version and then the second version of the music video, I was looking away because I felt bad for just how much of Rihanna’s body she was sharing with the world. Maybe she didn’t have a choice, but this seems to me that she was not remembering her value as a person and just who was worthy of seeing her body. This is not all of us. I have been in that situation, where I was wearing very sexy clothing. The attention received is fleeting and usually results in men looking for a booty call from the girl as a reaction, even if this is not her goal. Not worth it.

2.      Dance moves

I mean come on, does every music video need to have them practically having sex on the dance floor through grinding and twerking? I lost count of how many shots in the video were just of their crotches thrusting together- taking away their humanity completely- to just focus on a collection of parts. It is dangerous to have this out in main stream media because people already think it is acceptable and perfectly ok to act as such when dancing. The video just perpetuates this lie. In case no one told you, there are other dance moves you can try that don’t involve compromising your dignity.

3.      Met me in the club

No one ever meets their prince charming in the club. One minute they are meeting, then the next they are rubbing IT all together, but they don’t really know each other. Very odd. Of course the video showed the crowd smoking and drinking, which obviously brings to the table its’ own issues. Are they of age? Are they drinking in excess. Not a good habit to get into. I can tell you, from experience, the hangover which comes around the next morning is the worst. I learned my limits to never drink that much again. They are not being very realistic about the consequences either. They do not show how people are so easily used sexually after a night out partying.

4.      The man’s role

Drake is a very talented artist, but I was not impressed by his role in this video (more specifically the second version). He sat on the couch while Rihanna danced for him/the camera. Remind you of the scene in a strip club? Ew. It seemed to feed into the stereotype that men should not need to work in a relationship, that they can just be lazy. Men should not be passive; the first time that happened was when Adam let Eve eat the apple. We don’t need to have repeats of that in every relationship. Men are called to be the providers and protectors of their girlfriend/fiancé/wife and family. I guarantee if you asked a Godly man, “Would be ok if his GF/fiancé/wife danced as such in a club?” He would say, “No thank you. That is a floozy. She is not wife material.”

5.      A women must be sexual to keep a man

Many types of media have this theme, but it is so far from the truth. In the video, as you listen to the lyrics, it makes clear that the women must put it all out there to catch/keep the man’s interest. Instead of trying to sexually ignite the man you are with; why not strive to ignite his heart. Seek to do what is best for each other, leading to true authentic love. Not seeking a one night stand.

Work might be a catchy song to work out to, but it falls very short of God’s plan for humanity.  

A Catholic Girl Walks into a Bar

A Catholic girl walks into a bar… Oh wait this is not a joke, it’s my life… Recently I walked into a bar and found the man of my dreams. Kidding, but he was pretty ‘McSteamy’ in essence. All evening we chatted and became familiar in a new friendship blossoming. I remember thinking how fun he was during our conversation considering we had a good bantering act in play, and how I would love to get to know him more. As the night was winding down, He invited me to sleep with him, which was flattering. I was tempted and thought about it for a second, but overall it was a buzz kill because I do take my faith seriously and fully embrace the Church teachings about sexuality so I declined the offer and went home alone.

Yet, I loved being desired by him- I just didn’t want him in the same way.

Teaching chastity has had funny affect on transforming my thoughts. Anytime a man is speaking to me, I am mentally doing a check (like a reflex) to see how Theology of the Body oriented our conversation is. The teachings have just weaved their way into my own thoughts and whole life. I do not enjoy being desired by a man when I can tell it is a very disordered desire towards their own selfish gain. Fortunately, it is very easy for me to spot these types of men so I can at least attempt to avoid temptation. I am not perfect, just experienced enough to know my weaknesses and not afraid to admit my screw ups.  

This would not be a blog of mine if I didn’t quote Saint Pope John Paul II at least once, he teaches the following about love in Theology of the Body:

Love as attraction: recognizing the good of another person; seeing the inner and outer beauty of another person.

Love as desire: wanting a good for yourself; desiring the goodness and happiness.

Love as goodwill: willing (or desiring) the good of another person.

These are all needed in a relationship but, ordered towards God.    

I’ve been reflecting on all of this constantly, as of late. To clarify, no, I was not just swimming around in my own fantasy of lustful thoughts about ‘McSteamy.’ But (as humbly as I can say this) a man’s interest is not foreign to me. Especially this year it seems to be raining men as potential suitors, from the guys who offer a one night stand to the gentlemen who are ready to be married tomorrow and treat me like a princess. If any of ‘said men’ are reading this, I do honestly thank you for your time and what I have learned from you.

 The world is starving for beauty, especially for ALL women to be confident in how authentically beautiful they are. I know my beauty and worth as a woman, and I am not afraid to allow the world to encounter the Lord through me, even if they don’t always see me as anything beyond physically attractive. One of the greatest powers a woman has is just simply ‘being’ and allowing others to take refuge in her. ‘Being’ woman is an art woman can spend our whole life unveiling and thereabout I have become enticing to men. But, I have been wondering why it is that I cannot muster up a hint of romantic affection in response to the men who have been pursuing me.

Something must be wrong with me.

On one fine Tuesday afternoon, I figured it out.

[Scene: in daily Mass. The readings have been proclaimed and all present are awaiting the reception of our Lord in the Eucharist.]

As I sit, or really kneel, in anticipation the tension is building in my heart. My prayer to the Lord bubbles up in my mind, “Beloved, I just want you. I long for you. I crave your intimacy in the restlessness of my soul.”  All of a sudden, in the depth of the sweet silence before receiving him, it made sense. I should want to be with and desire my earthly spouse in the same way, but not to same degree of intensity because even Scripture says only Christ will fulfill all our longings.

Desiring to be with my future spouse is a good thing. If I am not feeling it with a gentleman who asks to be mine, it is also a good and important thing to let him go. How nice would it be if I dated a man for a period of time, then after I tried it for awhile tell them I was never into the relationship but I just wanted to wait and see if my heart would come around? So as nicely as I can muster, I try to explain why the man should move along in life.

Waiting with full peace and joy in the arms of my Beloved, for the one he is preparing for me, is the greatest thing, ever. I am at a place in my life where I can recognize the vocational call to marriage, but I am not hurried to get there. I love my life, the way it is going, and the mystery in the adventure I have yet to explore! My heart is overflowing with a comforting, soothing love from and for the Lord. I am confident he is working on my own heart for the man I will marry. In that knowledge, as my gaze is locked on my Beloved, much of my heart does not want to be disturbed by a man trying to fit into it romantically.  

 

This does not mean I want to wait forever. I now understand the desire I should have towards a man in relation to my desire for the Eucharist. It makes me excited to anticipate that one day I will be so ‘over the moon’ about a man’s pursuit, which in a way will mirror my constant longing to receive the Lord in the Mass. Honestly, I have no idea how that love will take shape in my life, but that is what I enjoy most about this splendid adventure. I don’t have to worry or stay up all night wishing for prince charming to show up. God knows what is best for me, and I trust him with my heart. I am free to just be in the Lord and live in the truth of his glory each day, each hour, each moment. For he says this:

 “I want you to see in the flesh a picture of your relationship with me.

And to enjoy materially and concretely the everlasting union

Of beauty, perfection and love that I offer you with Myself.

Know that I love you utterly.

For I am God.

Believe it and be satisfied.” - From St Anthony of Padua

I am the Lord’s and he is mine. When the time is right I will meet, then later share a beautiful, crazy, sanctifying marriage with another… To bear the cutest little fruit in kiddos, of course. Till then, I continue to be with my Comforter in the breaking of the bread.

Who would have thought all of that could come from walking into a bar?

Sexting: Don't Sho Yo 'Nae Nae'

I love Elite Daily’s site and often read up on the voice of “Generation Y.” I, recently, ran across an article filled with questionable info about sexting. In the article they discuss 6 ways sexting can keep your long- term relationship strong. Apparently a major 88% of people have engaged in sexting at least once, but I am not shocked by this. To me, this means a whopping 88% of people have scars from love gone wrong. They are desperate to be accepted, they don’t know the depth of their worth, and they are infinitely loved by the Beloved. 

Honestly, this might be TMI, and mom if you are reading this then just skip down a few paragraphs… I bought into the lie of sexting in the past and am not proud of it, and it took me some time to figure out why it is wrong. I have never been the person to just lie down and take ‘no’ for an answer, so when someone said I can’t sext, I reacted by thinking they don’t know what they are talking about. No one explained the reasons behind how sexting is contrary to the dignity of the human person.  

Sexting is an attractive activity, same as any sin. What I didn’t realize was by engaging in sexting I was pulling someone further away from God. Sexting gives evidence to a lack of self- control for both people involved, and I was forgetting the infinite worth of another, then ultimately letting go of my own dignity in the process. Sounds romantic right?!

Let me explain why the author’s 6 reasons to sext are, in fact, not good.

1.      Sharing secrets builds trust.

They say: “Trusting your guy with the most private things you like to do, in private and with your privates, will strengthen your bond.”

Saint Pope John Paul II talks about the feminine genius saying, “Women are called to become masters of their own mystery.” Women are not called to reveal everything right off the bat, but to unveil themselves to their husband in marriage. This includes a natural physical and emotional progression through a dating relationship on into marriage. Meaning saving sex for marriage requires the purity of our mind and words as well.  

Good communication is key for a marriage to work well. Your physical, emotional, and spiritual trains must all be in a line at the same speed, so to speak. Trusting your guy with these fantasies or desires outside of marriage puts your emotional connection ahead of your physical and spiritual connection. If you do trust him by sharing your desires, the article makes a good point of the risk you face of them sharing these images or sexts with their friends or the public. Do you really want to take that chance with the precious gift of your own sexuality? Sharing these things does not strengthen your bond in a healthy way, but a co-dependent way. As in you need to take take take from the other, instead of recognizing the self-gift that you are worth waiting to discover by that future spouse one day.

 In marriage, you will need to discuss your sexual needs and desires, but not by way of objectifying the person through sexting. The discussion should be done in a loving open conversation about how to best [in a pure way, ordered toward God’s plan] pleasure your spouse through the sexual act. This is a good and normal thing to do periodically in marriage.   

2.      Sexy thoughts build tension (the good kind).

This is true. Yet, in the context of attempting to wait to have sex till marriage and/or living out the married vocation, building this tension outside of immediate foreplay can be a very dangerous thing. When we constantly think sexy thoughts, this means we are constantly building up lustful thoughts. We become enslaved to that desire of sexual pleasure to be met, all the time.  Human persons are not made for slavery, but for true freedom, which comes from self-control obtained by not objectifying another.

Personally, I know saving sex for marriage is difficult, and I have fallen to temptation a few times. Each time, sexy thoughts have helped in my demise. Thinking about sexual things did not build tension in a good way, but in a way that caused an animalistic reaction, a loss of morals to the bad side of passion.

Sometimes we can’t help a sexual thought coming into our brain, and that is normal. The best thing to do is to allow them to be a passing thought, not dwelling in the fantasy or desire. I mentally give the person or sexual feeling back to God, and strive to think of how they are a child of God worthy of a pure love, even in my mind.

3.      Men are fragile and weak.

False. Basically this section is stating that men need women to sext them to gain confidence in the relationship and that the woman is being satisfied sexually. If a man needs this verbal affirmation of sexting from the woman that they are dating or are married to, they have not fully grasped what true authentic manhood is all about, and you should not waste your time on them. They have reduced you solely to what you can do to pleasure them in the relationship, not focusing on how best to love you. Sexting is selfish in nature.

Sex and sexting should not be the meter of confidence in a relationship as successful. Your confidence in the person you are dating or married to should come from how they treat you, how they treat others in their life, and are they going after the Lord’s heart by growing in holiness and virtue.

True men, comfortable in their own masculinity, will not degrade a woman they are interested in perusing or are married to- to a mere moment of bodily pleasure. They know the power of masculinity and use it for the good. They should have a standard of their own in regards to purity and hold their relationships to it.    

 

4.      Dopamine is addictive.

They said, “While sending a naughty text to someone, you might experience a rush of excitement that can actually improve your chances of bonding! The brain doesn’t differentiate between love and excitement at first, and that confusion can be incredibly sexy.”

Dopamine is the pleasure chemical and yes two people will be more bonded if they sext about their desires, whether in marriage or outside of it … and YES it is confusing. This confusion between the feelings and true authentic love is not a sexy thing, just a stressful thing. We cannot base our love on these feelings from dopamine. Love is more than the feelings; it is about doing what is best for someone.

I think sexting can be addictive. It is one of those things that when you start, it can be difficult to stop. When we rely too much on the feelings, then they fade, what will be left outside of the physical aspect of the relationship? I don’t want to train someone to use me in that way and neither should you.

5.      Fun is king.

Everyone wants to have fun in life, living it to the fullest. Why does society seem to think that being pure has to make you boring, or that the only way to have fun is to be sexual with someone? In case no one told you, you can have fun in a relationship and not be sexual. Remaining pure in your relationships is challenging sure, but that doesn't mean you are automatically boring. It simply allows for more creativity in how you date. Also, chastity gives way for a great foundation of friendship to be formed for when the feelings come and go.

6.      Sexting prevents cheating!

REALLY? When you are far away from the BF/GF and you are building that tension, then you see someone else sexually attractive while away, what do you think might happen? That tension will want release and if someone else offers, it would be tricky to say no. Sexting can lead to cheating.  

With that being said, I don’t think it is wise to build that tension through sexting and not be able to act on it. Reasons for that are hopefully clear, in terms of outside of marriage, but even in marriage it is not the best scenario. This sexual tension naturally comes about through foreplay so expressing the desire in a sext without immediately being able to act on it can just leave us with lustful thoughts about our spouse aka sin.

Sexting holds us back from trying to live a life following Christ. I know how appealing it can be, but I also know the joy and freedom that comes from purity of thoughts and words. Trust in the plan that God has for you, that you are loved and worth the pure abundant love of another.   

Being Attractive Does Not Mean a Perfect Marriage

A popular hypothetical question people often pose is, "If you could change anything about yourself, what would it be?" The first answers tend to be along the lines of: "my weight, my muscles, my hair, my nose, my legs, my arms, my height..." I don't know if I've ever heard someone answer: "my sense of humor, my intelligence, be more caring, my ability to love, my ability to cook..." No, those are not the typical answers to this question. And why is that? I believe it's because we are bombarded by ads, movies, books, magazines and songs that make all kinds of proclamations: "I want that body, you should look like this, you should dress like this, your face should look like this, this is how to be happy, this is how you find your soul-mate."

What if I told you that your physical attractiveness is not what really matters in order for your marriage to succeed? Would you think I am crazy?

Every year, People Magazine decides who is the "Sexiest Man Alive" and GQ Magazine decides who is the "Babe of the Year." Well, who would ever break up with "the sexiest man alive" or the "babe of the year"? I am sad to say that they would break up with each other.
What has been looked at as "Hollywood's hottest couple," Ryan Reynolds and Scarlett Johansson, have decided to break off their marriage after 2 years. We look on as bystanders, fed with the image of the "perfect couple" and think "Why? This was the perfect marriage; they are both so attractive."

As Catholics we must recognize reality, and get out of the Hollywood mentality of "perfection is being rich and beautiful." We have to realize that looking "perfect" on the outside will not automatically lead to a perfect life, a perfect marriage, happiness and love. Physical appearances come and go. Your dedication to your spouse, rooted in the graces of a sacramental marriage, is the superglue that binds a couple together for life.

We must focus on growing and nourishing the personal gifts that we have been given by God and the Holy Spirit. I am not saying we should not keep our bodies healthy; it is important to exercise and take care of our physical body. We should not, however, lust and envy over those that the media tells us are "perfect, attractive, sexy." There is only one person we should long to be like... Jesus Christ. He has sent us His Holy Spirit to be with us always. So let us continue this Advent and into the New Year, to nourish the beauty and talent that we have been given.