The Lies of Love

In 7^th grade I dated a guy for 1 day and then we broke up. Why? He was not performing the bells and whistles of proving his love to me. I was not “feeling” him, therefore, I ended it. BOOM!  No mercy here. I had this idea of how I wanted my man to express the grandeur of love to me through our dating relationship and I would not settle for anything less.   

When teaching in class, we define love for the students as, doing what is best for the other person. You would be amazed by how many of them think that love, to be true, must have feelings. Those warm and fuzzy feeling are simply infatuation but they are neither good nor bad. These infatuating feelings can sometimes lead to love.

I can assure you, it is possible to be infatuated with someone and not do what is loving for them. Think about celebrities… I am one of the world’s newest Swifty fans. I LOVE HER 1989 ALBUM! If I saw Taylor Swift out walking down the street you bet I would express my infatuation for her talent. But it would not be very loving, if I tackled her causing her to get hurt. The loving thing to do would be to shake her hand and say thank you, right? We have all heard those stories of celebrity fan sightings and restraining orders happening as a result of them going overboard. So, yes it is possible to be infatuated with another person and not do what is loving for them.

Can you authentically love another person and not be infatuated with them? It might be surprising to hear, but yes this is possible as well. If anyone has ever been irritated with their parents or annoyed with their siblings then they can recognize this truth. My brother and sister are 8 years younger than me. Yep, I am a third-wheel to their twin bond for life. Haha. They are my favorite people and I love them very much (I do what is best for them). When we were living under the same roof, I would get home from school and walk into my room to witness my sister trying on all of my clothing and my brother eating all of my snacks. You better believe I kicked them out of my room so fast. I did not have warm and fuzzy feelings for them. It wasn’t like I walked into my room and saw them destroying my life and said, “Oh brother of mine, thank you for eating all of my snacks.” RIGHT? No one does that, we are human and sometimes we get upset. Therefore, you can see how we can love another person without being infatuated with them.

Infatuation comes in waves throughout a relationship. It is not always going to be present. We cannot base our love on the feelings. Love is a choice and it involves and action. We choose to do what is best in our relationships.

This leads me to my original dilemma. I grew up for a large part of my life thinking that love HAD to have these feelings, but I was wrong. It has taken me a few years to change my mind-set on love because our society drills into our brains that love is about the feelings. I mean we see it on every TV show, in movies, throughout the books we read, and even in our daily conversations. The scene is always the guy and the girl in a place that somehow it is perpetually raining. The guy has made some silly mistake and now he is begging for her love saying, “Tell me Susie, do you really love me, do you have feelings for me?”  Now can you begin to understand how our over sexualized culture is affecting our thoughts by confusing authentic love for infatuation? But, honestly, most of those scenes are just referring to infatuation.

As I have grown up past 7^th grade, my thoughts on love and what kind of man I would like to marry have shifted. I no longer want to be with the man who I have those infatuated feelings for, who will complete me. I want to be with the man who inspires me, challenges me to be better, and the man who will truly love me by doing what is best for me. I read an article recently on the dating problems of our generation today, which you can check out here. It struck me in more ways than one but I want to share a few thoughts.

 True marriage and relationships are ok if they have elements of infatuation but the goal would be to date and marry someone who has a patient openness to loving a flawed human being.  In this kind of openness to love, we allow ourselves the freedom that infatuation-based relationships do not. This is the freedom to be ourselves, and to not worry if ‘who we naturally are’ will be a deal breaker.  Even though our society basically pukes infatuation everywhere, that is not what will bring about a deep lasting marriage. Marriage is going to be tough. It is not about personal gratification, but about growth and goodness between the two of you.   

The author shares a story about a couple’s choice to get married and it might surprise you.

“They gazed into one another’s eyes as they told me their love story, and it struck me how incredibly simple it all was. They had dated for a long time before they broke up—unsure of each other’s imperfections and afraid to commit to someone who wasn’t the right match—and then finally got back together again. But they didn’t get back together because they came to a resolution regarding one another’s flaws or because the stars were finally aligned. They got back together and ultimately decided to marry because they didn’t know anyone else they would rather struggle though marriage with—and they both wanted marriage.”

 This is now my goal in my relationships, especially the ones that are romantic. I would like to love someone, who I can fully recognize how they are a flawed human being. At the same time not let that thwart our affection. Our own weaknesses can build up the relationship to make it stronger. So that, in the end, we still strive as a team to do what is best for each other in leading the other to heaven.

Do you love those in your life authentically or are you simply letting infatuation be the base of your relationships?  

"No Strings Attached" vs. Love and Responsibility

This week I watched the trailer for "No Strings Attached," which hits theaters on January 21st. The tag line pretty much describes the whole movie: "Can best friends be sex friends?" From what I could see from the trailer, it seems to be a perfect example of the "casual sex" and "friends with benefits" attitude that is so prevalent in our culture right now.

"Do you want to use each other at all hours of the day and night?"

"I'm okay with that."

"Good."

How did sex divorce itself from love and become nothing more than just an "activity" that you do, and how has friendship become nothing more than two separate individuals in it simply for what they can get out of it?

A few years back, my senior year in college, I signed up for a one-credit, weekend-long class over Valentine's Day. The topic was "Love and Responsibility," a book by Karol Wojtyla, the future John Paul II. Since then, I don't think that anything else has impacted my life as much as the ideas that are contained in this book, nor I have I found a better way to fight back against the culture of "meaningless sex."

First is an understanding of friendship. A "friends with benefits" culture holds that friendship is nothing more than getting enjoyment for yourself from someone, whether that be sex, money, a date to hang out with on a Friday night, or just the feeling of knowing someone is there for you. The focus is on yourself. John Paul II, on the other hand, says that friendship occurs when two people "recognize a good and adopt it...when this happens, a special bond is established between me and this other person: the bond of a common good and a common aim," and from this "We begin to discern love, to catch a preliminary glimpse of it....love is unthinkable between two people without some common good to bind them together." (LR p. 28) Friendship is the beginning of love, a love that does not seek to use each other for enjoyment, but a love that looks outward to something that is true, good, and beautiful to discover together.

The second is the idea of what authentic love really is. And although I doubt I have even begun to honestly understand John Paul II's thoughts on this subject, the little that I do amazes me. The first thing that strikes me is that love, while it involves feelings or emotions, is primarily in the will. Love is a decision, a commitment, and a choice - a choice to love someone because of who they are and the value that they have as a human person. Sex is an expression and outflow of that commitment and decision. Ultimately, love results in a giving of oneself, a receiving of the other, and finding one's existence in another person. And because love is a decision and a choice,

"Love in human relationships is not something ready-made" (LR. p. 29) or, as Alice von Hildebrand also writes, "Although love is a gift, it must also be learned."

Ultimately, "friends with benefits" or "casual sex" bring no satisfaction. We were made from Love for real love and won't be fulfilled until we live it:

"Man cannot live without love. He remains a being that incomprehensible for himself, his life is senseless, if love is not revealed to him, if he does not experience it and make it his own, if he does not participate intimately in it. " - Redemptor Hominis

The Butterfly Circus. . . Well Worth the Watch.

There is nothing better on a wintery-ish December evening than curling up on the couch, sweatpants on, blanket in tow, pillow ready, and a cup of hot chocolate in hand, and a movie to watch . . .

Annnnnd this is what you should watch: The Butterfly Circus. I just spent the last 20 minutes sitting in Starbucks curled up on a chair watching this movie. And was wowed. . . there are very few movies that are beautiful. And very few that are well made and challenging to those who watch them. And that are short. This is why you should watch this movie. . .

1. This movie has a bea-u-tiful and captivating plot. It takes place in the Great Depression and is the story of a showman (Eduardo) who travels across the devastated American landscape, lifting the hearts of the audience as he travels. He ends up meeting a man without limbs and brings a new dimension into his life. In short, this movie is about hope, something that we desperately need. It's also about the unique dignity that each human being possesses simply because of who we are as a son or daughter of a King. Another truth we need to hear more often in our lives.

2. Eduardo Verastegui. He is definitely an incredible actor. You might have seen him in Bella a few years back and probably fell head over heels in love with him to boot. I admire Eduardo for many reasons, especially for his humility and charity, something that you don't exactly find in Hollywood every day of the week. A former Mexican soap star, he had a radical conversion and has since dedicated his life to bringing the dignity of the human person into film. I met him a few years back while in college, and was really moved by how genuine he was.

3. It's short. 20 minutes, to be exact. No excuses. You can watch the WHOLE THING on Youtube.

4.Joshua Weigel and his wife Rebekah wrote, directed, and produced this entire movie. Together. They've been married for 14 years, and I think that they are a fabulous testimony to what it means to work in marriage as a team to bring something true, good, and beautiful to others.

“The future of humanity lies in the hands of those who are strong enough to provide coming generations with reasons for living and hoping.” (Guadium et Spes 31)

www.thebutterflycircus.com

Movie Review (Letters to Juliet)

I love movies, especially a good ones! Movies that make me think, laugh, appreciate life, movies that dont try to scandalize or hinder my faith through repetitive bashing or blasphemy(either outright or in a more undertone way). I am married and because of this I can not watch action movies every day, I now have a significant other that needs to agree on what movies we watch together. Because of this we have found ourselves in the genre of "Romantic Dramas and Comedies"!


The movie I want to review is "Letters to Juliet". It is about an engaged girl (Sophie) who goes to Italy with her Italian fiancee on a "pre-honeymoon" but he is so involved with work that they spend no time together. She goes touring by herself and goes to the "Wall of Juliet" where tradition has that if you write a letter to Juliet, she will answer you with an letter back. Sophie finds these "secret women" and wants to help write back. She discovers a letter from 50 years past and answers it to find that the older woman comes looking for her "Romeo" once again. And yes, she has a grandson the same age as Sophie!


This movie is rated PG and is not a kids movie, how often does that happen these days! There is no fowl language, The clothing attire is very modest and is a beautiful love story between both a young couple and an older couple. It touches on the concept of true love as well as what marriage is and is not. The concept that was new and strange was a "pre-honeymoon", but i am glad they portrayed it as being so boring and did not recommend it. The whole idea of a pre-honeymoon is very against what a real marriage is and be sure to let whoever watches it know that it is immoral. I think part of the reason they put it in the movie was to show that the fiancee cared more about his buisness than their marriage.


I think women would enjoy this movie very much. And unless you are Scott Stephens, msot men would not enjoy this movie due to the fact that it is one of the most "girly chick flicks" I have ever seen! Lets put it this way, it makes "The Notebook" look like "Braveheart"! But to the women, if you are young or old and looking for a wholesome and satisfying love story, "Letters to Juliet" is the movie for you.

I give it a thumbs up!

Letters to Juliet Trailer
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4AmB8spntgg

It's May 6, which means ...

.... that Bella is now available on DVD! Whether or not you have already seen this beautiful and inspiring film, I recommend you purchase the DVD and encourage your friends to do the same with the Bella 10 campaign. You can read more on their website. If you had a movie that has changed (and saved) lives in your hands, what would you do?

Bella on DVD

Exciting news for "Bella" fans: The DVD will be available by April 10 from Heritage House. Pre-order price is $27.50. This sale price is valid through March 30. All of the information is available here.

A different take on Juno

Nicole and I went to see Juno yesterday. There's been a lot of hype about the movie -- from sixth grade classrooms to pro-life websites to the Oscar predictions. Needless to say, I had heard a lot about the movie, and most of the feedback was very positive. I had a different take on the film, though.

The movie treated very serious subjects (sex, marriage, babies, adoption, etc.) as no big deal. Comedic elements were added to every scenario, even when they were highly inappropriate to the subject matter. For instance, when Juno calls the abortion clinic, the gravity of the situation is diffused by her cracking jokes about the discomfort caused by her "hamburger phone." Since when is choosing an abortion a light matter?

Life, born and unborn, is not considered sacred in this film. The characters have a blase attitude about everything, and the few who consider matters of life to be serious (ie. the potential adoptive mother Vanessa) are mocked. When Vanessa gets emotional over the idea of having a baby and wants everything to be perfect in preparation for the child, the intended reaction is to roll one's eyes and say, "Get a grip." Of course, this isn't the attitude we should have toward life. But if the adult characters in the movie don't hold their lives as sacred, then why would the unborn child's life be special?

• The movie only provides Band-Aids -- simple solutions to cover the surface problem, not the root cause. Did anyone notice how much Juno seems to be starved for love? She seems to be looking for love in all the wrong places, and nothing she does is really seeking to get to the root of this longing. It brings to mind a beautiful quote from Pope John Paul II -- "Man cannot live without love. He remains a being that is incomprehensible for himself, his life is senseless, if love is not revealed to him, if he does not encounter love, if he does not experience it and make it his own, if he does not participate in it intimately."
• The selfless and loving nature of adoption is downplayed in the movie, as Juno continues to say it's no big deal. Her callousness regarding her unborn child may reflect the pain of placing a child for adoption, but it comes across as a decision that merely affects her 40 weeks of pregnancy, not the rest of her life. Consequently, it's hard to catch a glimpse of the monumental sacrifice and heroic love modeled by a birth parent.
• Juno's boyfriend, Bleeker, is portrayed as a rather wimpy young man. He is given no say in the adoption decision (when, in reality, a father has to sign away his right to parent). His lack of a role in the situation only perpetuates the stereotype that men are not necessary in a pregnancy -- except for the very first moment.
• Sex is portrayed as no big deal -- something to do when bored, something everyone does and something that has no intrinsic meaning. In fact, the only way it is shown to have an effect is through Juno's pregnancy. We are led to believe that if she did not get pregnant, life wouldn't be much different.
• So, in summary, I did not find Juno to be the hysterical, positive treatment of life and adoption that others have lauded it to be. I was very disappointed by the way the film portrayed precious subjects and poked fun at those who believe life to be a beautiful gift. The casualness of sex and of looking at the unborn merely reflected common views in our society, but I think we deserve better.

Freedom Writers

Over the weekend I was able to rent the movie, "Freedom Writers." I watched it with a friend, and we noted how the attitude of Erin Gruwell's fellow teachers and administration was remarkably similar to that of the advocates of "safe" or "safer" sex: Teenagers are going to do it anyway, so why should we expect anything different? In the movie, they weren't talking about sex, they were referring to studying and receiving an education, but the attitude is the same. Erin Gruwell, the main character, is a teacher who believes her students are worth more and are capable of more. She challenges them and gives them the tools they need to succeed.

This is the same attitude chastity educators seek to convey. We want you to know that you are worth more than the media and society thinks you are. We know that you can save sexual activity until marriage, and that, in the end, it will be far better than the cheap substitute of sex before marriage.

It was encouraging to see what Erin Gruwell was able to accomplish in the "Freedom Writers" (which is a true story). True respect of others sends a powerful message.