Work work work work work

Rihanna debuted the new music video for her hit song Work yesterday. Rihanna is an artist that works hard and has a natural talent in the music industry. I don’t want this to seem like I am downing her. I enjoy her music, but I have to acknowledge my thoughts.  I am disappointed by her music video for the lessons it sends out to the next generation.  Here are a few things I noticed:

1.      Sexy clothing

Rihanna is known for making a lot of ‘fashion forward’ statements at award shows and the like. A good amount of the outfits she wore showed way more than we anticipated seeing. This music video was no exception. The clothing was very sexy and revealing, to the point of being uncomfortable. Why did they have to have such revealing costumes?! Honestly, as I watched the first version and then the second version of the music video, I was looking away because I felt bad for just how much of Rihanna’s body she was sharing with the world. Maybe she didn’t have a choice, but this seems to me that she was not remembering her value as a person and just who was worthy of seeing her body. This is not all of us. I have been in that situation, where I was wearing very sexy clothing. The attention received is fleeting and usually results in men looking for a booty call from the girl as a reaction, even if this is not her goal. Not worth it.

2.      Dance moves

I mean come on, does every music video need to have them practically having sex on the dance floor through grinding and twerking? I lost count of how many shots in the video were just of their crotches thrusting together- taking away their humanity completely- to just focus on a collection of parts. It is dangerous to have this out in main stream media because people already think it is acceptable and perfectly ok to act as such when dancing. The video just perpetuates this lie. In case no one told you, there are other dance moves you can try that don’t involve compromising your dignity.

3.      Met me in the club

No one ever meets their prince charming in the club. One minute they are meeting, then the next they are rubbing IT all together, but they don’t really know each other. Very odd. Of course the video showed the crowd smoking and drinking, which obviously brings to the table its’ own issues. Are they of age? Are they drinking in excess. Not a good habit to get into. I can tell you, from experience, the hangover which comes around the next morning is the worst. I learned my limits to never drink that much again. They are not being very realistic about the consequences either. They do not show how people are so easily used sexually after a night out partying.

4.      The man’s role

Drake is a very talented artist, but I was not impressed by his role in this video (more specifically the second version). He sat on the couch while Rihanna danced for him/the camera. Remind you of the scene in a strip club? Ew. It seemed to feed into the stereotype that men should not need to work in a relationship, that they can just be lazy. Men should not be passive; the first time that happened was when Adam let Eve eat the apple. We don’t need to have repeats of that in every relationship. Men are called to be the providers and protectors of their girlfriend/fiancé/wife and family. I guarantee if you asked a Godly man, “Would be ok if his GF/fiancé/wife danced as such in a club?” He would say, “No thank you. That is a floozy. She is not wife material.”

5.      A women must be sexual to keep a man

Many types of media have this theme, but it is so far from the truth. In the video, as you listen to the lyrics, it makes clear that the women must put it all out there to catch/keep the man’s interest. Instead of trying to sexually ignite the man you are with; why not strive to ignite his heart. Seek to do what is best for each other, leading to true authentic love. Not seeking a one night stand.

Work might be a catchy song to work out to, but it falls very short of God’s plan for humanity.  

A Catholic Girl Walks into a Bar

A Catholic girl walks into a bar… Oh wait this is not a joke, it’s my life… Recently I walked into a bar and found the man of my dreams. Kidding, but he was pretty ‘McSteamy’ in essence. All evening we chatted and became familiar in a new friendship blossoming. I remember thinking how fun he was during our conversation considering we had a good bantering act in play, and how I would love to get to know him more. As the night was winding down, He invited me to sleep with him, which was flattering. I was tempted and thought about it for a second, but overall it was a buzz kill because I do take my faith seriously and fully embrace the Church teachings about sexuality so I declined the offer and went home alone.

Yet, I loved being desired by him- I just didn’t want him in the same way.

Teaching chastity has had funny affect on transforming my thoughts. Anytime a man is speaking to me, I am mentally doing a check (like a reflex) to see how Theology of the Body oriented our conversation is. The teachings have just weaved their way into my own thoughts and whole life. I do not enjoy being desired by a man when I can tell it is a very disordered desire towards their own selfish gain. Fortunately, it is very easy for me to spot these types of men so I can at least attempt to avoid temptation. I am not perfect, just experienced enough to know my weaknesses and not afraid to admit my screw ups.  

This would not be a blog of mine if I didn’t quote Saint Pope John Paul II at least once, he teaches the following about love in Theology of the Body:

Love as attraction: recognizing the good of another person; seeing the inner and outer beauty of another person.

Love as desire: wanting a good for yourself; desiring the goodness and happiness.

Love as goodwill: willing (or desiring) the good of another person.

These are all needed in a relationship but, ordered towards God.    

I’ve been reflecting on all of this constantly, as of late. To clarify, no, I was not just swimming around in my own fantasy of lustful thoughts about ‘McSteamy.’ But (as humbly as I can say this) a man’s interest is not foreign to me. Especially this year it seems to be raining men as potential suitors, from the guys who offer a one night stand to the gentlemen who are ready to be married tomorrow and treat me like a princess. If any of ‘said men’ are reading this, I do honestly thank you for your time and what I have learned from you.

 The world is starving for beauty, especially for ALL women to be confident in how authentically beautiful they are. I know my beauty and worth as a woman, and I am not afraid to allow the world to encounter the Lord through me, even if they don’t always see me as anything beyond physically attractive. One of the greatest powers a woman has is just simply ‘being’ and allowing others to take refuge in her. ‘Being’ woman is an art woman can spend our whole life unveiling and thereabout I have become enticing to men. But, I have been wondering why it is that I cannot muster up a hint of romantic affection in response to the men who have been pursuing me.

Something must be wrong with me.

On one fine Tuesday afternoon, I figured it out.

[Scene: in daily Mass. The readings have been proclaimed and all present are awaiting the reception of our Lord in the Eucharist.]

As I sit, or really kneel, in anticipation the tension is building in my heart. My prayer to the Lord bubbles up in my mind, “Beloved, I just want you. I long for you. I crave your intimacy in the restlessness of my soul.”  All of a sudden, in the depth of the sweet silence before receiving him, it made sense. I should want to be with and desire my earthly spouse in the same way, but not to same degree of intensity because even Scripture says only Christ will fulfill all our longings.

Desiring to be with my future spouse is a good thing. If I am not feeling it with a gentleman who asks to be mine, it is also a good and important thing to let him go. How nice would it be if I dated a man for a period of time, then after I tried it for awhile tell them I was never into the relationship but I just wanted to wait and see if my heart would come around? So as nicely as I can muster, I try to explain why the man should move along in life.

Waiting with full peace and joy in the arms of my Beloved, for the one he is preparing for me, is the greatest thing, ever. I am at a place in my life where I can recognize the vocational call to marriage, but I am not hurried to get there. I love my life, the way it is going, and the mystery in the adventure I have yet to explore! My heart is overflowing with a comforting, soothing love from and for the Lord. I am confident he is working on my own heart for the man I will marry. In that knowledge, as my gaze is locked on my Beloved, much of my heart does not want to be disturbed by a man trying to fit into it romantically.  

 

This does not mean I want to wait forever. I now understand the desire I should have towards a man in relation to my desire for the Eucharist. It makes me excited to anticipate that one day I will be so ‘over the moon’ about a man’s pursuit, which in a way will mirror my constant longing to receive the Lord in the Mass. Honestly, I have no idea how that love will take shape in my life, but that is what I enjoy most about this splendid adventure. I don’t have to worry or stay up all night wishing for prince charming to show up. God knows what is best for me, and I trust him with my heart. I am free to just be in the Lord and live in the truth of his glory each day, each hour, each moment. For he says this:

 “I want you to see in the flesh a picture of your relationship with me.

And to enjoy materially and concretely the everlasting union

Of beauty, perfection and love that I offer you with Myself.

Know that I love you utterly.

For I am God.

Believe it and be satisfied.” - From St Anthony of Padua

I am the Lord’s and he is mine. When the time is right I will meet, then later share a beautiful, crazy, sanctifying marriage with another… To bear the cutest little fruit in kiddos, of course. Till then, I continue to be with my Comforter in the breaking of the bread.

Who would have thought all of that could come from walking into a bar?

The Lies of Love

In 7^th grade I dated a guy for 1 day and then we broke up. Why? He was not performing the bells and whistles of proving his love to me. I was not “feeling” him, therefore, I ended it. BOOM!  No mercy here. I had this idea of how I wanted my man to express the grandeur of love to me through our dating relationship and I would not settle for anything less.   

When teaching in class, we define love for the students as, doing what is best for the other person. You would be amazed by how many of them think that love, to be true, must have feelings. Those warm and fuzzy feeling are simply infatuation but they are neither good nor bad. These infatuating feelings can sometimes lead to love.

I can assure you, it is possible to be infatuated with someone and not do what is loving for them. Think about celebrities… I am one of the world’s newest Swifty fans. I LOVE HER 1989 ALBUM! If I saw Taylor Swift out walking down the street you bet I would express my infatuation for her talent. But it would not be very loving, if I tackled her causing her to get hurt. The loving thing to do would be to shake her hand and say thank you, right? We have all heard those stories of celebrity fan sightings and restraining orders happening as a result of them going overboard. So, yes it is possible to be infatuated with another person and not do what is loving for them.

Can you authentically love another person and not be infatuated with them? It might be surprising to hear, but yes this is possible as well. If anyone has ever been irritated with their parents or annoyed with their siblings then they can recognize this truth. My brother and sister are 8 years younger than me. Yep, I am a third-wheel to their twin bond for life. Haha. They are my favorite people and I love them very much (I do what is best for them). When we were living under the same roof, I would get home from school and walk into my room to witness my sister trying on all of my clothing and my brother eating all of my snacks. You better believe I kicked them out of my room so fast. I did not have warm and fuzzy feelings for them. It wasn’t like I walked into my room and saw them destroying my life and said, “Oh brother of mine, thank you for eating all of my snacks.” RIGHT? No one does that, we are human and sometimes we get upset. Therefore, you can see how we can love another person without being infatuated with them.

Infatuation comes in waves throughout a relationship. It is not always going to be present. We cannot base our love on the feelings. Love is a choice and it involves and action. We choose to do what is best in our relationships.

This leads me to my original dilemma. I grew up for a large part of my life thinking that love HAD to have these feelings, but I was wrong. It has taken me a few years to change my mind-set on love because our society drills into our brains that love is about the feelings. I mean we see it on every TV show, in movies, throughout the books we read, and even in our daily conversations. The scene is always the guy and the girl in a place that somehow it is perpetually raining. The guy has made some silly mistake and now he is begging for her love saying, “Tell me Susie, do you really love me, do you have feelings for me?”  Now can you begin to understand how our over sexualized culture is affecting our thoughts by confusing authentic love for infatuation? But, honestly, most of those scenes are just referring to infatuation.

As I have grown up past 7^th grade, my thoughts on love and what kind of man I would like to marry have shifted. I no longer want to be with the man who I have those infatuated feelings for, who will complete me. I want to be with the man who inspires me, challenges me to be better, and the man who will truly love me by doing what is best for me. I read an article recently on the dating problems of our generation today, which you can check out here. It struck me in more ways than one but I want to share a few thoughts.

 True marriage and relationships are ok if they have elements of infatuation but the goal would be to date and marry someone who has a patient openness to loving a flawed human being.  In this kind of openness to love, we allow ourselves the freedom that infatuation-based relationships do not. This is the freedom to be ourselves, and to not worry if ‘who we naturally are’ will be a deal breaker.  Even though our society basically pukes infatuation everywhere, that is not what will bring about a deep lasting marriage. Marriage is going to be tough. It is not about personal gratification, but about growth and goodness between the two of you.   

The author shares a story about a couple’s choice to get married and it might surprise you.

“They gazed into one another’s eyes as they told me their love story, and it struck me how incredibly simple it all was. They had dated for a long time before they broke up—unsure of each other’s imperfections and afraid to commit to someone who wasn’t the right match—and then finally got back together again. But they didn’t get back together because they came to a resolution regarding one another’s flaws or because the stars were finally aligned. They got back together and ultimately decided to marry because they didn’t know anyone else they would rather struggle though marriage with—and they both wanted marriage.”

 This is now my goal in my relationships, especially the ones that are romantic. I would like to love someone, who I can fully recognize how they are a flawed human being. At the same time not let that thwart our affection. Our own weaknesses can build up the relationship to make it stronger. So that, in the end, we still strive as a team to do what is best for each other in leading the other to heaven.

Do you love those in your life authentically or are you simply letting infatuation be the base of your relationships?