Tinder .... The Mystery Ingredient

I am not married so this could be a train wreck. Here goes nothing…

Tinder.

Tenderloin.

Tenderize.

Tenderable

Tenderness.

Saint Pope John Paul II is one of my favorite homies! He has inspired me in more ways than one to understand more about sharing the truth, authentic love, chastity, and sex. How could that be the case? A celibate man, who was by all accounts of the world, out of touch with anything relating to marriage… False. He was a genius and had many insightful things to say about the way of intimacy.

I want to bring up a quality that I feel like often gets overlooked, or misunderstood, in terms of relationships: tenderness. Does anyone know how to specifically define that word?

The best I could come up with was the scene from Tangled of Rapunzel’s mom brushing out all of her flowing, long, golden locks. Meaning: tenderness is simply when someone is gentle with another person.That’s it. I, myself, did not even know how limiting that definition is.

Saint Pope John Paul II says, “Tenderness is found in the tendency to make one’s own feelings and mental states of another person.” So, in relationships that are based on love, it is an unsurprising adjustment to move from the self to focus on the other, feeling closely involved with the inner life of the beloved.

The action of tenderness naturally seeks outward expression. In marriage, your spouse essentially becomes a part of you so much that they are another “I” as you are united together in the bond. So you want to communicate this sense of closeness… “I feel the need to let the other “I” know that I take on his/her feelings and his/her state of mind to heart, to make this other human being feel that I am sharing it all, that I am feeling what they feel." Hence we persons show our affection by holding hands, a kiss, drawing someone into our arms etc.

 

Even with the lens of just how beautiful dating and marriage can be, the devil is at play trying to distort the way the world views both. We all can recognize the ways our culture has fallen into use of the other, even mutual use. I don’t need to go into specifics, yet we need to see the effects of expressing this tenderness too soon.  If tenderness is premature in a relationship, it can stop authentic love from growing.

Once I dated a man in which we thought we had a good friendship foundation, only to escalate quickly towards the physical expressions of tenderness. This actually hurt us more than anything because it became the center of the relationship. Our relationship fizzled out fast and today we no longer talk at all.  We created the illusion of love, a love which in reality does not exist. Our relationship crumbled by the roadblocks we ourselves put up. Often young people think the way I thought, that this physical expression of tenderness will lead to authentic love. It is a clever trap set.

If we are to grant a man or woman the ‘right to tenderness’ (to show or receive it) we must also demand a greater sense of responsibility. AKA marriage, not casual sex in or out of dating relationships. In truth, expressions of tenderness should always be accompanied by an even greater sense of responsibility for the other person.

Circling back around to marriage, tenderness should involve a participation in emotion and commitment to love. This is what brings the couple to feel the closeness of communication. Saint Pope John Paul II expands on his earlier definition of tenderness here saying, “It is the ability to feel with and for the other person.” It creates a feeling of not being alone, a feeling that his/her life is equally the content of another very dear person’s life. 

My stepdad and mom, Richie and Marge, are a great example of this in my life. For the most part, they do everything together, even grocery shopping is done as a team. It is so adorable I have to fight the urge to vomit. In the midst of the challenges and joys of their marriage, I can clearly see the tenderness they express towards one another. Sometimes things are tense, as with any marriage. I can tell when my mom is hurt by something, so too does Richie feel the pain. On the same token, when a joyous occasion burst forth in our lives they both act like IT. IS. THE. BEST. THING. EVER. They are always leading the family as a team. I think the tenderness they cultivate in authentically loving the other is wonderful glue.  

Curious how this show of love, through tenderness, specifically affects women?

Women not only expect this type of tenderness from their husbands, but they actually have a special right to it in marriage. Husbands must enter deeply into the emotional lives of their wives for 3 reasons:

1.      Honestly, a woman’s emotional level is deeper than a man’s so they simply have a greater need for tenderness. It is also helpful to note that men may never understand this need fully, similar to how women may not get why men ‘always think about sex.’ It is not that women need their man to fix everything magically, we know you aren't superman. We just would like you to listen.

2.      Woman naturally gives herself to man. In a sense, a woman feels the transition from single life to married life in an acute way. She might notice or feel the break from her family to enter married life in a deeper way, especially if she has a close-knit family. While there is excitement in a new life with her husband, she might feel the loss of leaving all she has ever known in her family’s way of life to create a new life with her man.

  3.      Women have to go through more in life. Ya know… the important, difficult stuff like pregnancy, childbirth, and possibly leaving a job. Some women feel very alone in these experiences so have a special need for tenderness from their husbands as they go through them.

Men have a unique challenge to be tender with their beloved. You are not doing marriage right if all you do is financially provide for your family, or fix up the house. Men are called to enter deeply into the emotional lives of their wives. You must begin to feel with and for her.

Don’t forget about the art of tenderness between the two of you.

                          As Jesus said, “Love one another as I have loved you.”    

Sexting: Don't Sho Yo 'Nae Nae'

I love Elite Daily’s site and often read up on the voice of “Generation Y.” I, recently, ran across an article filled with questionable info about sexting. In the article they discuss 6 ways sexting can keep your long- term relationship strong. Apparently a major 88% of people have engaged in sexting at least once, but I am not shocked by this. To me, this means a whopping 88% of people have scars from love gone wrong. They are desperate to be accepted, they don’t know the depth of their worth, and they are infinitely loved by the Beloved. 

Honestly, this might be TMI, and mom if you are reading this then just skip down a few paragraphs… I bought into the lie of sexting in the past and am not proud of it, and it took me some time to figure out why it is wrong. I have never been the person to just lie down and take ‘no’ for an answer, so when someone said I can’t sext, I reacted by thinking they don’t know what they are talking about. No one explained the reasons behind how sexting is contrary to the dignity of the human person.  

Sexting is an attractive activity, same as any sin. What I didn’t realize was by engaging in sexting I was pulling someone further away from God. Sexting gives evidence to a lack of self- control for both people involved, and I was forgetting the infinite worth of another, then ultimately letting go of my own dignity in the process. Sounds romantic right?!

Let me explain why the author’s 6 reasons to sext are, in fact, not good.

1.      Sharing secrets builds trust.

They say: “Trusting your guy with the most private things you like to do, in private and with your privates, will strengthen your bond.”

Saint Pope John Paul II talks about the feminine genius saying, “Women are called to become masters of their own mystery.” Women are not called to reveal everything right off the bat, but to unveil themselves to their husband in marriage. This includes a natural physical and emotional progression through a dating relationship on into marriage. Meaning saving sex for marriage requires the purity of our mind and words as well.  

Good communication is key for a marriage to work well. Your physical, emotional, and spiritual trains must all be in a line at the same speed, so to speak. Trusting your guy with these fantasies or desires outside of marriage puts your emotional connection ahead of your physical and spiritual connection. If you do trust him by sharing your desires, the article makes a good point of the risk you face of them sharing these images or sexts with their friends or the public. Do you really want to take that chance with the precious gift of your own sexuality? Sharing these things does not strengthen your bond in a healthy way, but a co-dependent way. As in you need to take take take from the other, instead of recognizing the self-gift that you are worth waiting to discover by that future spouse one day.

 In marriage, you will need to discuss your sexual needs and desires, but not by way of objectifying the person through sexting. The discussion should be done in a loving open conversation about how to best [in a pure way, ordered toward God’s plan] pleasure your spouse through the sexual act. This is a good and normal thing to do periodically in marriage.   

2.      Sexy thoughts build tension (the good kind).

This is true. Yet, in the context of attempting to wait to have sex till marriage and/or living out the married vocation, building this tension outside of immediate foreplay can be a very dangerous thing. When we constantly think sexy thoughts, this means we are constantly building up lustful thoughts. We become enslaved to that desire of sexual pleasure to be met, all the time.  Human persons are not made for slavery, but for true freedom, which comes from self-control obtained by not objectifying another.

Personally, I know saving sex for marriage is difficult, and I have fallen to temptation a few times. Each time, sexy thoughts have helped in my demise. Thinking about sexual things did not build tension in a good way, but in a way that caused an animalistic reaction, a loss of morals to the bad side of passion.

Sometimes we can’t help a sexual thought coming into our brain, and that is normal. The best thing to do is to allow them to be a passing thought, not dwelling in the fantasy or desire. I mentally give the person or sexual feeling back to God, and strive to think of how they are a child of God worthy of a pure love, even in my mind.

3.      Men are fragile and weak.

False. Basically this section is stating that men need women to sext them to gain confidence in the relationship and that the woman is being satisfied sexually. If a man needs this verbal affirmation of sexting from the woman that they are dating or are married to, they have not fully grasped what true authentic manhood is all about, and you should not waste your time on them. They have reduced you solely to what you can do to pleasure them in the relationship, not focusing on how best to love you. Sexting is selfish in nature.

Sex and sexting should not be the meter of confidence in a relationship as successful. Your confidence in the person you are dating or married to should come from how they treat you, how they treat others in their life, and are they going after the Lord’s heart by growing in holiness and virtue.

True men, comfortable in their own masculinity, will not degrade a woman they are interested in perusing or are married to- to a mere moment of bodily pleasure. They know the power of masculinity and use it for the good. They should have a standard of their own in regards to purity and hold their relationships to it.    

 

4.      Dopamine is addictive.

They said, “While sending a naughty text to someone, you might experience a rush of excitement that can actually improve your chances of bonding! The brain doesn’t differentiate between love and excitement at first, and that confusion can be incredibly sexy.”

Dopamine is the pleasure chemical and yes two people will be more bonded if they sext about their desires, whether in marriage or outside of it … and YES it is confusing. This confusion between the feelings and true authentic love is not a sexy thing, just a stressful thing. We cannot base our love on these feelings from dopamine. Love is more than the feelings; it is about doing what is best for someone.

I think sexting can be addictive. It is one of those things that when you start, it can be difficult to stop. When we rely too much on the feelings, then they fade, what will be left outside of the physical aspect of the relationship? I don’t want to train someone to use me in that way and neither should you.

5.      Fun is king.

Everyone wants to have fun in life, living it to the fullest. Why does society seem to think that being pure has to make you boring, or that the only way to have fun is to be sexual with someone? In case no one told you, you can have fun in a relationship and not be sexual. Remaining pure in your relationships is challenging sure, but that doesn't mean you are automatically boring. It simply allows for more creativity in how you date. Also, chastity gives way for a great foundation of friendship to be formed for when the feelings come and go.

6.      Sexting prevents cheating!

REALLY? When you are far away from the BF/GF and you are building that tension, then you see someone else sexually attractive while away, what do you think might happen? That tension will want release and if someone else offers, it would be tricky to say no. Sexting can lead to cheating.  

With that being said, I don’t think it is wise to build that tension through sexting and not be able to act on it. Reasons for that are hopefully clear, in terms of outside of marriage, but even in marriage it is not the best scenario. This sexual tension naturally comes about through foreplay so expressing the desire in a sext without immediately being able to act on it can just leave us with lustful thoughts about our spouse aka sin.

Sexting holds us back from trying to live a life following Christ. I know how appealing it can be, but I also know the joy and freedom that comes from purity of thoughts and words. Trust in the plan that God has for you, that you are loved and worth the pure abundant love of another.   

Paradise Lost?

              In Theology of the Body, a teaching of Pope Saint John Paul II, we look to the Garden of Eden to show us truths about the human person.  Often, when talking about the Garden of Eden, we talk about how great it was, with all of the innocence and peace, and how all of that is lost forever because of sin. This was how I understood the story of the Garden of Eden for a long time, that we had one chance for paradise and we blew it. We would always be controlled by sin which meant that I would always be stuck in a whirlpool of sin and unhappiness. It is true that mankind was expelled from the Garden because of sin and, through our disobedience, we broke our relationship with God.  This would be a really awful story, if this were the end.  It’s not. Christ came into the world and died on the cross to redeem us.

            Redemption in Christ offers us something better than the Garden. Here, I would like to differentiate between restoration and redemption. Restoration would be to go back to the original state of being in the Garden. Redemption involves a saving transformation. God has made it new. God is all-knowing. He knew we were going to sin when He created us with freedom and so made a plan to give us something better than the Garden.

This is not just about living in a heavenly paradise. It’s also about our daily life. He gave us Christ who instituted the sacraments.  The grace that we receive in the sacraments gives us the power to live out the call of the Kingdom of God. “What is the Kingdom of God?” you ask.   Jesus gives us the answer to this question in the Gospel of Luke. "The coming of the kingdom of God cannot be observed, and no one will announce, 'Look, here it is,' or, 'There it is.' For behold, the kingdom of God is among you" (Lk. 17:20b-21). Every day, we have the opportunity to live out innocence and peace through grace. We can choose love instead of use, generosity instead of greed, and humility instead of pride. It is when we choose goodness that we make the Kingdom of God present in the world. At times, this seems insurmountable.  You do not have to look far to see the pain and hurt caused by sin, but by grace, we are set free from sin. Slowly but surely, God changes our hearts to love Him better. He has changed me. I once thought that the battle against sin was hopeless and that even trying to overcome sin was pointless. I felt helpless. God would not let me keep believing this lie and showed me that He had given me the power, through the sacraments, to choose freedom instead of sin. Here’s the thing about grace, it’s stronger than sin.

This relates back to Theology of the Body because in our relationships, we can feel like we will never be able to love the other person as we should. Sometimes, chastity seems too difficult to master but we have to remember it is grace that enables us to love our significant other.  There’s a story of several bishops in the early Christian Church, who saw a prostitute passing by. All but one bishop turned away as she walked by so that they would not lust after her. The one bishop looked at the woman intently with love. As a result of the love that this bishop showed her, the prostitute turned her life around and became a saint, St. Pelagia. The difference between the two responses, both noble, is that God ultimately wants us to be able to look at everyone the way that Adam looked at Eve in the Garden. The freedom that the one bishop had is offered to all of us. When we have this freedom, it translates into our relationships. In freedom, we can truly love. This is the essence of the Garden of Eden: freedom and love. These are not lost to us at all but through Christ, available to us right now. Let’s not forget this truth.

Guest blogger: Camilla MacKenzie

The "Feminine Genius"?

The "feminine genius" . . . this whole summer during True Beauty we've talked about what John Paul means by this term. As I was reading John Paul II's "Letter to Women" recently these words jumped out at me - words that embody the "feminine genius" and the dignity of women that he speaks of so often: motherhood, obedience, help, mystery, service, complementary, human, beauty and love.

Read "Letter to Women" here - it's short, easy-to-read, and packed with JP2 goodness!

"The basic plan of the Creator takes flesh in the history of humanity and there is constantly revealed, in the variety of vocations, that beauty-not merely physical, but above all spiritual-which God bestowed from the very beginning on all, and in a particular way on women. . . The Church sees in Mary the highest expression of the "feminine genius" and she finds in her a source of constant inspiration. Putting herself at God's service, she also put herself at the service of others: a service of love. " - "Letter to Women" by Pope John Paul II

Theology of the Body for Teens Essay Winners

Kudos to these teens for their inspiring essays on how Theology of the Body has impacted their lives as young men and women in today's culture. The winning essay is "The Search for True Manhood" and can be found here.

"No Strings Attached" vs. Love and Responsibility

This week I watched the trailer for "No Strings Attached," which hits theaters on January 21st. The tag line pretty much describes the whole movie: "Can best friends be sex friends?" From what I could see from the trailer, it seems to be a perfect example of the "casual sex" and "friends with benefits" attitude that is so prevalent in our culture right now.

"Do you want to use each other at all hours of the day and night?"

"I'm okay with that."

"Good."

How did sex divorce itself from love and become nothing more than just an "activity" that you do, and how has friendship become nothing more than two separate individuals in it simply for what they can get out of it?

A few years back, my senior year in college, I signed up for a one-credit, weekend-long class over Valentine's Day. The topic was "Love and Responsibility," a book by Karol Wojtyla, the future John Paul II. Since then, I don't think that anything else has impacted my life as much as the ideas that are contained in this book, nor I have I found a better way to fight back against the culture of "meaningless sex."

First is an understanding of friendship. A "friends with benefits" culture holds that friendship is nothing more than getting enjoyment for yourself from someone, whether that be sex, money, a date to hang out with on a Friday night, or just the feeling of knowing someone is there for you. The focus is on yourself. John Paul II, on the other hand, says that friendship occurs when two people "recognize a good and adopt it...when this happens, a special bond is established between me and this other person: the bond of a common good and a common aim," and from this "We begin to discern love, to catch a preliminary glimpse of it....love is unthinkable between two people without some common good to bind them together." (LR p. 28) Friendship is the beginning of love, a love that does not seek to use each other for enjoyment, but a love that looks outward to something that is true, good, and beautiful to discover together.

The second is the idea of what authentic love really is. And although I doubt I have even begun to honestly understand John Paul II's thoughts on this subject, the little that I do amazes me. The first thing that strikes me is that love, while it involves feelings or emotions, is primarily in the will. Love is a decision, a commitment, and a choice - a choice to love someone because of who they are and the value that they have as a human person. Sex is an expression and outflow of that commitment and decision. Ultimately, love results in a giving of oneself, a receiving of the other, and finding one's existence in another person. And because love is a decision and a choice,

"Love in human relationships is not something ready-made" (LR. p. 29) or, as Alice von Hildebrand also writes, "Although love is a gift, it must also be learned."

Ultimately, "friends with benefits" or "casual sex" bring no satisfaction. We were made from Love for real love and won't be fulfilled until we live it:

"Man cannot live without love. He remains a being that incomprehensible for himself, his life is senseless, if love is not revealed to him, if he does not experience it and make it his own, if he does not participate intimately in it. " - Redemptor Hominis

Theology of the Body

This past weekend Andrea and I traveled to Indianapolis to attend a conference on John Paul II's Theology of the Body. The conference was presented by Christopher West, a well-known TOB speaker...we had a great time and learned so much about this teaching on human sexuality. The message of TOB is so needed in our culture today, and we found a couple of great resources to help spread this message.

We came home with a couple of these CDs:

These are CDs of Christopher West speaking to college-age students about some of the struggles of living a pure life.

One of the reasons that I personally love Theology of the Body is that it explains the importance and beauty of our human bodies, and how our bodies express our mission as human beings - to love as God loves, in the image of the Trinity. And this is not just for people who are married! It opened up new doors for my life as a single 23 year-old. It gives an awesome vision for what love truly is - a total gift of yourself. TOB really tugged at my heart, and inspired me all the more to live a life of purity - not just because my future husband is worth it, but because it is worth it and so fulfilling to love as CHRIST does. If you are looking to understand "what life is all about," then this is for you!

Here are a few other resources:

http://www.theologyofthebody.net/

Lives Changed...

My name is Matthew, and I am a 25-year-old Catholic man serving in the United States Marine Corps. Since I first heard the late Pope John Paul II’s teaching on the Theology of the Body as a junior in college, I have been praying continually for the grace to live my manhood as Christ originally intended. In January, 2009, I had the opportunity to spend a week in prayer and study on this magnificent truth in the Head and Heart Immersion Course. By the power of the Holy Spirit it was a life-changing experience, and hands-down the best week of my life.
The Head and Heart Immersion Course did many things to deepen my relationship with God. First off, it deeply affirmed a priestly calling I had been discerning since midway through my last deployment. The thought of a religious vocation was both exciting and terrifying to me. In the midst of a steady relationship coupled with a lifelong desire to marry and raise a family, the thought of a celibate vocation, to say the least, had its immediate drawbacks. With sincere prayer and the enlightening lessons throughout the course, Christ softened my heart to receive whatever vocation he called me to. I pray that when my service commitment concludes, my calling to priesthood will be as intense and peaceful as it is right now.

Secondly, it taught me the significance of our posture before God in prayer. Prior to the course, I suffered from the belief that piety was tied solely to works. The Petrine paradigm of “Proclaim to the nations,” to me, was the greatest model of the Christian lifestyle. This model, however, often left me exhausted, and waffling between spiritually strong periods and dry spells. The introduction to a Marian posture of “Let it be done according to thy word,” brought me to a new level of spirituality I had never experienced. It is not that Christ is calling us to be inactive. Rather, He desires that the seed He sews take root in us first, so that it may bear fruit before we scatter it. There is nothing more active and receptive than the posture of our Blessed Mother, and in striving to live her example more completely, I have found greater peace, despite the increasing “activity” of my life.

Finally, amidst the great distractions and empty promises of counterfeit love in our society today, it is a great consolation to know there are those who share the desire to love as God intended. Since finishing the course, I have kept in touch with many of the people I met that week. They were a large part of the experience I had in the course. The bonds we formed through prayer, the sacraments, discussion, and laughter are both consolations to fall back on during times of spiritual dryness and affirmation, amidst temptation, to continue to love rightly. I cherish the friendships I developed during that week in Black Rock.
We are all called to experience truth. Being made in Christ’s image, we were created for God’s love. The Theology of the Body is the Catholic Church that I never learned in Catholic schools. With this greater understanding of Catholicism, I proudly affirm it as the one true faith instilled by Christ and preserved by the Pope and our Mother Church. It is the path to living our sexuality to its fullest sacramental potential, the road to true man and womanhood, and a more powerful weapon against evil for Christ and His Church than any artillery.

-- Taken from the September 2009 edition of the Theology of the Body Institute Newsletter

Theology of the Body for Teens

Haven't heard the awesome news of Theology of the Body for Teens yet? On YouTube you can listen to Jason and Chrystalina Evert and Brian Butler give a brief overview of Theology of the Body for Teens. Click here.

TOB Points

Goodness gracious! It’s been a long time, huh?

This past weekend Karen and I were blessed to go see Christopher West speak in Kentucky. Christopher West is to Theology of the Body (TOB) as the apostle Paul was to spreading Christianity. He is an engaging and enlightening speaker and writer.

I’ll write out a couple points that are essential to the TOB:

1. Man (both male and female) is called to communion. That is, man is not created to be alone.

2. Our sexuality, mine male and perhaps yours female, is a sacramental (i.e. physical sign of the eternal mystery).

3. In our sexuality, we learn that not only are we called to communion but also we get a glimpse into the interior life of God, or the Trinity.

4. Sex is sacred because it mirrors the Trinity. The lover gives his self to the beloved and their love creates a third. “The Father almighty… The Lord eternally begotten of the Father… The Holy Spirit who proceeds from the Father and the Son.” Sound familiar?

5.Sex is created solely for marriage because marriage mirrors the love of God. Marriage is total love in that it is free, faithful, and fruitful. Here’s some vows that the spouses take (forgive me if they aren’t phrased exactly): Do you come here on your own free will (i.e. free)? Do you take this husband/wife ‘til death do you part (faithful)? Do you accept openness to the gift of children (fruitful)?

This is only part of the profound beauty of the TOB. We’ll see how this relates to the passion of Christ and how priests and singles also participate in divine love, among other topics. I will write more about this later. Perhaps, I’ll expand on some of the above points. We’ll see! You’ll just have to keep visiting us to find out more!

(Actually, seriously, if you want to know more before I write more- look up Christopher West or Theology of the Body on the internet and get some materials on this much needed Church teaching.)

God Bless!

Walking to spread theology of the body

A group of college students dedicated to John Paul II's theology of the body is in the midst of a 1,300 mile walk down the East Coast. During the summer journey, they will be speaking to complete strangers -- at churches, in grocery stores, at youth groups and along busy (and not so busy) roads -- about the Catholic faith and the insights of John Paul II. To learn more about their journey, read their blog, which is updated as often as they are able, considering nights are often spent in church basements or with a host family.

Four years ago I was blessed to take part in a pro-life walk with a similar route in the Northeast. I know that the reason it was such an incredible experience was due to the prayers of so many people across the country. Please join in praying for the Missionaries of the Eucharist as they take the Gospel to the streets.

It's finally here!

Catholic Exchange's new theology of the body "channel" has officially launched. There is already a great range of articles posted on the site. I expect this site to be a consistent source of unique commentary on current issues and events through the lens of John Paul II's unique and revolutionary work. Bookmark this site!

Generation TOB

On Monday, Catholic Exchange will debut a new "channel" dedicated to theology of the body. Plans are underway for frequent columns, forums and opportunities to apply John Paul II's dynamic work to our everyday lives. I am honored to be joining the ranks of columnists soon. The site promises to be one of the most engaging resources available to those interested in unpacking John Paul II's work.

Note: I apologize for prematurely linking to the site previously. It has not been officially launched yet, but we will be sure to notify you with the direct link when it is.

Practical theology of the body, Part I

In my final theology of the body segment on Sacred Heart Radio on Monday, I will be giving some practical suggestions for how to apply the principles of theology of the body to one's life. Here's one to start with, but you can listen for several more on Monday morning.

Main point: Our bodies reveal God.

What it means:
We were made in God’s image and likeness which means that we have intellect and will, but also that we were made from Love and for Love (God is Love).

The fact that God created us male and female (with the ability for union and communion with another) is meant as a reminder of our call for union and communion with God in heaven.

Pope John Paul II says we image God more in our communion than in our solitude.

Practical application:
Try to look at others as gifts from God – reminders of our call to heaven. If someone is tempted to lust or to use another, ask God for the grace to see another as God sees him or her (a reflection of God’s love for us).

The biology of theology of the body

Pretty interesting stuff from Project Rachel foundress Vicki Thorn, regarding the biology of theology of the body. You can read her article, "Why didn't somebody tell me the truth?" for some great insights. Apparently, she is working on a couple of books on this subject, and I am eager for their publishing dates.

What Theology of the Body has to say about Easter

Alleluia! It's always refreshing to be able to proclaim this word after Lent is over. I find that I catch myself for the first few days after Easter whenever I say or hear, "Alleluia," because it sounds strange after more than 40 days without it. In any event, today we are able to freely and joyfully proclaim alleluias, and for good reason.

The Catechism of the Catholic Church states that the Paschal Mystery has two distinct aspects. By His death, Christ ransomed us from sin. By His resurrection, he gave us access to eternal life. Resurrection is the path to redemption, says Pope John Paul II. He adds that our redemption is the fulfillment of the hope of which Christ gives testimony with His death and resurrection.

This hope isn't something to be celebrated once a year on Easter, or merely to look forward to upon our death. Instead, Pope John Paul II says the resurrection gives us "the hope of everyday" -- the hope that we can accomplish victory over sin and temptation every day and to live out the vocation to which we are called. From Christ's gift of the redemption of our bodies, we must draw "the inspiration and strength" to live out God's plan for our lives.

It is interesting to note that Christ experienced the resurrection of the body. His body appeared with the wounds from His crucifixion, but He had a glorified body. The Catechism of the Catholic Church states that Christ did not return to ordinary earthly life (as Lazarus did when he was raised from the dead). Instead, Christ was outside of time and space and had a glorified body. We receive a key into our own resurrection of the body from the Gospel accounts of that of Christ.

In theology of the body, Pope John Paul II spent lots of time reflecting on man before and after original sin. He points out that, "This 'heavenly man' -- the man of the resurrection, whose prototype is the risen Christ -- is not so much the antithesis and negation of the 'man of the earth' (whose prototype is the 'first Adam') but above all his fulfillment and confirmation." He continues, "The humanity of the 'first Adam,' the 'man of the earth,' carries within itself, I would say, a particular potentiality (which is capacity and readiness) for receiving all that the 'second Adam' became, the heavenly Man, namely Christ: what he became in his resurrection."

Another gift Christ has given us is the sharing in His divine nature, through grace. We have been adopted by God the Father and have been espoused to Christ forever. Because of His grace, we will be able to partake in the Beatific Vision, seeing God face to face, and participating in a reciprocal gift of self to God in heaven.

Through His death and resurrection, Christ has given us, in a sense, a new body and a new dignity. We, therefore, have a new obligation to live out God's plan for us. As 1 Corinthians 6:20 states, "You were bought at a great price." May we remember these gifts this Easter season and continue to allow His grace to transform our lives every day. Alleluia!

Looking at the Triduum with Theologyof the Body

As we prepare for the sacred days leading up to Easter, it is interesting to examine what John Paul II's theology of the body can teach us regarding Christ's self-gift on the cross and in the Eucharist. Pope John Paul II says, "Through the fact that the Word of God became flesh, the body entered theology [...] through the main door." The fact that Christ chose to became man adds a new dimension to the significance of our own bodies.

Christ became man for several reasons, including to manifest God's love to us and to be our model of holiness. All that He accomplished could not have been done without a body. Because the body reveals the person, Christ chose to utilize His humanity in order to communicate with us.

All of our bodies manifest our person as well as God. John Paul says, "This is the body: a witness to creation as a fundamental gift and therefore a witness to love as the source from which this same giving springs." How much more powerful was Christ's witness -- He is love! We are all called to be a self-gift. Christ's gift of self was the most tremendous realization of this aspect of our humanity.

In His suffering, Christ was able to redeem us because He is God, but we must not forget that He experienced suffering as a man as well. His sufferings were physical and emotional. It is only because He had a body, however, that He was able to experience this pain.

John Paul said that Christ was a "witness to the irreversible love of the Creator and Father." His love on the cross was total and irrevocable. We see this reflected in His very body language. Jesus' arms were outstretched and He hung naked on the cross. We see this "language of the body" reminding us that Christ held nothing back. He gave everything. His love was freely given, faithful and fruitful (it gave us new life). This is exactly the love to which a married couple is called. Christ modeled it beautifully through his gift of self on the cross.

Steven Kellmeyer in his book, Sex and the Sacred City: Meditations on the Theology of the Body, commented that Christ could have done a "victory dance" after shedding one drop of blood -- that would have been enough to redeem humanity. However, Christ chose to give completely and totally. Mr. Kellmeyer goes on to say that because God desired to espouse Himself to us, He had to ensure that we shared in the same nature. He explains this thought from St. Thomas Aquinas: "If an iron poker is thrust into a hot fire, though it never itself becomes fire, still it begins to glow red-hot, white-hot, with the characteristics of fire. It gives off light and heat. It shares in the nature of the fire. Our God is a consuming fire. When the Son united human nature to Himself in the Incarnation, He plunged human nature into the consuming fire of God." Think about that on Good Friday.

The Crucifixion also assists us in love of God. The Catechism of the Catholic Church quotes the Roman Missal, Preface of Christmas I, "We see our God made visible and so are caught up in love of the God we cannot see."

Finally, the Eucharist, whose institution we commemorate today, offers us an opportunity to reflect on Christ's spousal love for us. Christ, the bridegroom, is offering His body to His bride. Every time we receive the Eucharist, we are His bride and He gives His body to us. This is the "consummation" of our relationship on earth, and a reminder that we were created for union and communion with God in heaven eternally.

As you pray during the next few days, observe the ways our bodies communicate through the various Catholic liturgies (washing of the feet, venerating the cross, the crucified Christ, etc.). Without the gift of our bodies, we would be unable to communicate our love for God and we would not have a visible manifestation of His tremendous love for us.

Question box Friday -- Is it wrong for engaged people to have sex?

Even in the sixth grade, our students ask this question frequently. On the surface, it would seem that it would be okay for an engaged couple to engage in sex because they are obviously committed to each other. But the question is: Are they committed enough to express the true meaning of sex?

God created sex to have a meaning. In Pope John Paul II's theology of the body, he discusses the concept that our bodies "speak" a language that is meant to point us to God and our desire for union and communion with Him. Sex, then, is meant to express through the body what wedding vows express through words.

In a wedding, the priest asks if the couple has come freely and without reservation. Therefore, sex is meant to express love that is freely given.

During wedding vows, the couple promise "to be true to you in good times and in bad, in sickness and in health. I will love you and honor you all the days of my life." They also say, "I promise to be true to you … until death do us part." Therefore, sex is meant to express love that is total (holding nothing back) and faithful (committed until death).

During the wedding, the priest asks the couple, "Will you accept children lovingly from God and bring them up according to the law of Christ and His Church?" Therefore, sex is meant to express love that is fruitful (not referring to pears and oranges but to an openness to new life).

When a couple is engaged, they are planning to commit in this way, but they have not yet done so. I have several friends who were engaged but broke up before the wedding took place. Until the wedding vows have been spoken in front of God, each other, one's friends and family, then the couple is not capable of honestly or authentically expressing the true meaning of sex. So, the answer to this question would be, yes, it would be wrong (and not practicing chastity) for an engaged couple to have sex.

Question box Friday

Those who have been through the In Control program know that a highlight of the week is having anonymous questions answered from the "Question Box" on the last day of the program. We are going to attempt answering one question a week on the blog too.

This week's question, "Why do some people think that divorce is wrong?"

All of us probably know someone who has been in a divorce situation, so it is often a difficult topic to address. We look at it through the lens of personal (or that of a friend or family member) experience, which often clouds our perceptions.

In today's society, many people enter into marriage without fully understanding the commitment they are making. Wedding vows are meant to be two people promising that they will love the other freely (not coerced, but of their own free will), totally (completely, not witholding anything), faithfully (committed for a lifetime) and fruitfully (open to the possibility of new life). When two people don't truthfully promise these things at the time of the vows, then the marriage may be considerd invalid. In the Catholic Church, an annulment is granted to state that a true marriage never really occurred. This is different from a civil divorce which says that the marriage has ended.

If two people have given a total gift of themselves to the other, they cannot take that gift back. For something to be total, it must be irrevocable by its very nature.

Marriage is also meant to be a visible sign of God's love for us. God's love never ends. He is always faithful, always loves us totally, freely chooses to shower His love upon us, and He loves us fruitfully, by creating new life.

A married couple has a responsibility to fulfill their vows to each other, but also has a responsibility and honor to be a witness of God's love for us, in as an authentic way as possible, cooperating with God's grace to live out a sign of His love.

That being said, there are some extreme cases when it may be better for two married people to stop living together (in cases of sustained abuse, for example). If a divorce is pursued, it must be remembered, however, that this does not end the marriage in God and the Church's eyes. If the marriage was valid and true, it cannot end. A major problem with divorce is that it tricks people into believing that marriage is permanent only when you want it to be.

"Bodies ... the Exhibition" and theology of the body

Great controversy is stirring in the Queen City as, "Bodies ... The Exhibition" is opening at the Cincinnati Museum Center today. Ethical issues about the exhibit were largely unspoken until Archbishop Daniel Pilarczyk released a statement urging Catholic schools not to take field trips to "Bodies." Bishop Roger Foys followed suit yesterday.

I spent a great deal of time yesterday contemplating how the principles of Pope John Paul II's theology of the body could relate to "Bodies." Below are some main points:

• What is the purpose of the body? According to Pope John Paul II, the body reveals the person. We are able to experience our own personhood and that of other people through the body. We are more than a collection of body parts -- we are emotional, spiritual and mental, as well. The body is also meant to reveal God to us. He created us male and female, with intellect and will, in order for us to know Him, love Him, and serve Him.
• Our bodies are not skin to be shed upon death. God-willing, in heaven, we will experience the resurrection of our bodies, not just our souls. Therefore, the body deserves respect and proper treatment during and after earthly life.
• "Bodies" is only focusing on the biological aspect of the person, thereby reducing a someone to a something. While staring at someone's circulatory system or skeletal structure, I doubt most visitors will contemplate who this person was -- their feelings, dreams, goals, age, and purpose in life. Instead, these people become objects used not persons loved.
• What Pope John Paul II said about pornography can be relevant to this situation as well. He said that those objectified in pornography, become, in a certain sense, "public property." In "Bodies," people are paying money in order to see a public display of human persons, reduced merely to their body parts.
• Many attendees commenting on the "Bodies'" website have likened the exhibit to art. The use of naked bodies in the exhibit, often posed in rather disrespectful ways, bring to mind these words from Pope John Paul II, "Following his personal sensibility, man does not want to become an object for others through his own anonymous nakedness." Does this change after death? Suppose your mother or brother or best friend were one of the "models" in this exhibit? Would you be supportive of that? Why do we commend the use of anonymous people when we would be likely to condemn the use of people close to us?
• Those in the exhibit did not give consent. There are a host of ethical questions regarding the use of "unclaimed bodies" from a Communist country hardly renowned for human rights. Would these deceased people have wanted the world to see them as anonymous collections of body parts?
• In theology of the body, Pope John Paul II talks about the concept of shame. He says that shame is experienced after Original Sin in order to protect us from being used by another. We don't want to be seen naked by the public because we have an innate fear (rightfully so) of being used not loved. When a body is donated to science, it is done with free consent, presumably not for money and with the knowledge that those looking at the body have a certain purpose: Learning how to save other lives. The context must provide respect to the deceased person whose body has been donated for this cause. In "Bodies," there is no way to guarantee that the bodies will be looked on respectfully. People can gawk, stare, glare, comment and deride those featured in the exhibit without any care or protection from objectification given. This cannot be respectful of the human person, whether dead or alive.
• It is a good to learn how our bodies work, but I would argue that learning about anatomy or biology can be done apart from using human persons. With the millions of dollars pouring into Premier Exhibitions, one must question their motivation -- education or profit?
• Whenever we are in doubt that something is morally licit, we must lean toward caution. If we are unsure that "Bodies" is ethical and moral, then we should refrain from supporting it.

If you are looking to read more about this subject, check out Peter Bronson's op-ed in yesterday's Cincinnati Enquirer, a statement by the Archdiocese of Vancouver about a similar exhibit, and an article from the Seattle Post-Intelligencer.