Monday, December 12, 2011

My Last Baby?

I found this on one of my favorite blogs today and thought it was worth sharing....Happy Feast of Our Lady of Guadalupe!

- Pat Archbold @ the National Catholic Register

We’re not supposed to feel this way. We’re supposed to be the strong ones. Us men, we face facts, we see things as they are and we move on.

Except I don’t want to move on.

My wife loves babies. The smell of them, the feel of them. She likes ‘em chubby and happy. I do too.

My youngest turned four years old a few weeks ago. She is getting to be so big it is amazing. But her growing up creates a situation in our house that we have never had before. There is no baby.

Ever since our first baby 11 years ago, my wife and I have had a baby in the house. One baby didn’t get to 2 years old before a smelly little playmate joined the household. There was always a baby and that is the way we like it.

But the thing is we got married a little later in life and now we find ourselves on the back end of our forties. We thank God every day for the blessing of five beautiful children. We never imagined we could have even that many and I am eternally grateful.

As my little one celebrated her birthday, my wife made some comments about how she might very well be our last. We are always open to life, but biology is biology. At the time my wife spoke wistfully of missing that anticipation of a new life, a new family member, a new beautiful little person for us to take care of coming to us. She will miss it, she said. I would miss it too, but that is life. We move on.

So the last few weeks she has made a few remarks about how one day we will have grand-kids and how great that will be. She seems to be accepting it. Good. I laughed, but I didn’t really give it much thought at the time. But I did today.

At mass today, a young couple with a little baby sat right in front of us. I looked at the little guy and I felt this big gaping hole where my heart was supposed to be. I felt a sense of loss for the babies I will never have. I am not supposed to feel this way, am I?

I realized there and then how much I would have loved to have another one (or five) and that I don’t like the fact that the door to that part of my life may be closing. I don’t want to face facts, I don’t want to move on. I want to hold another little Archbold in my arms, a chubby little smelly Archbold.

My wife and I have been so blessed by a good God and if this is the family He wanted then so be it. And I am sure we will make great grandparents one day. But I think I will hold onto the crib a little longer. Facts are overrated anyway.

No comments: