Yet, I loved being desired
by him- I just didn’t want him in the same way.
This would not be a
blog of mine if I didn’t quote Saint Pope John Paul II at least once, he
teaches the following about love in Theology
of the Body:
Love as goodwill: willing (or desiring)
the good of another person.
These are all needed in
a relationship but, ordered towards God.
I’ve been reflecting on
all of this constantly, as of late. To clarify, no, I was not just swimming
around in my own fantasy of lustful thoughts about ‘McSteamy.’ But (as humbly
as I can say this) a man’s interest is not foreign to me. Especially this year
it seems to be raining men as potential suitors, from the guys who offer a one
night stand to the gentlemen who are ready to be married tomorrow and treat me
like a princess. If any of ‘said men’ are reading this, I do honestly thank you
for your time and what I have learned from you.
Something must be wrong
with me.
On one fine Tuesday
afternoon, I figured it out.
[Scene: in daily Mass. The
readings have been proclaimed and all present are awaiting the reception of our
Lord in the Eucharist.]
As I sit, or really
kneel, in anticipation the tension is building in my heart. My prayer to the
Lord bubbles up in my mind, “Beloved, I
just want you. I long for you. I crave your intimacy in the restlessness of my
soul.” All of a sudden, in the depth
of the sweet silence before receiving him, it made sense. I should want to be with and desire my earthly spouse in the same way,
but not to same degree of intensity because even Scripture says only Christ
will fulfill all our longings.
Desiring
to be with my future spouse is a good thing. If I am not feeling it with a
gentleman who asks to be mine, it is also a good and important thing to let him
go. How nice would it be if I dated a man for a period of time, then after I
tried it for awhile tell them I was never into the relationship but I just
wanted to wait and see if my heart would come around? So as nicely as I can
muster, I try to explain why the man should move along in life.
Waiting with full peace
and joy in the arms of my Beloved, for the one he is preparing for me, is the
greatest thing, ever. I am at a place in my life where I can recognize the
vocational call to marriage, but I am not hurried to get there. I love my life,
the way it is going, and the mystery in the adventure I have yet to explore! My
heart is overflowing with a comforting, soothing love from and for the Lord. I
am confident he is working on my own heart for the man I will marry. In that
knowledge, as my gaze is locked on my Beloved, much of my heart does not want
to be disturbed by a man trying to fit into it romantically.
This does not mean I want to wait forever. I now understand the desire I should have towards a man in relation to my desire for the Eucharist. It makes me excited to anticipate that one day I will be so ‘over the moon’ about a man’s pursuit, which in a way will mirror my constant longing to receive the Lord in the Mass. Honestly, I have no idea how that love will take shape in my life, but that is what I enjoy most about this splendid adventure. I don’t have to worry or stay up all night wishing for prince charming to show up. God knows what is best for me, and I trust him with my heart. I am free to just be in the Lord and live in the truth of his glory each day, each hour, each moment. For he says this:
“I want you to see in the flesh a picture of your relationship with me.
And to enjoy materially and concretely the everlasting union
Of beauty, perfection and love that I offer you with Myself.
Know that I love you utterly.
For I am God.
Believe it and be satisfied.” - From St Anthony of Padua
Who would have thought all of that could come from walking into a bar?
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